Episode 04: An Ode to the Homophobes

• I’m free to reveal and live my intimate relationships openly- by referring to my partners by name, recounting experiences, going out in public together, displaying pictures on my desk at work or home- without being accused of “flaunting” my sexuality or risking discrimination or being asked any questions.
• I can marry as a way to commit to long-term relationships that are socially recognized, supported, and legitimated. This fact confers basic rights such as spousal health benefits, the ability to adopt children, inheritance, joint filing of income tax returns, and the power to make decisions for a spouse who is incapacitated n a medical emergency.
• I can rest assure that whether I’m hired, promoted, or fired from a job will have nothing to do with my sexual orientation, as aspect of myself that I cannot change.
• I can move about in public without fear of being harassed or physically or verbally attacked because of my sexual orientation.
• I don’t run the risk of being reduced to a single aspect of my life, as if being someone of my sexuality summed up the kind of person I am. Instead, I can be viewed and treated as a complex human being who happen to be of the sexual orientation I am.
• I can generally assume that national heroes, success models, and other figures held up for general admiration will be assumed to be of my sexual orientation.
• I can assume that my sexual orientation won’t be used to determine that I’ll fit in at work or whether teammates will feel comfortable working with me.
• I don’t have to worry that my sexual orientation will be used as a weapon against me, to undermine my achievements or power.
• I can turn on the television or go to the movies and be assured of seeing characters, news reports, and stories that reflect the reality of my life.
• I can live where I want without having to worry about neighbors who disapprove of my sexual orientation.
• I can live in comfort of knowing that other people’s assumptions about my sexual orientation are correct.

I found this rather intriguing set of “privileges” for straight people which does not apply to me at all. I have to think twice before holding my girlfriend’s hand in public; I cannot put up “In a relationship” status in Facebook and tag her there; I cannot introduce her to all my friends; and even if we fight, I cannot show up at her place with flowers to apologize. I may have to get married to a guy pretending to be straight; if I don’t, I will have to listen to taunts and sleazy remarks from my relatives. I risk being belittled, laughed at, and humiliated if people get to know about my sexual orientation. When I tell someone I’m a lesbian, I have to tell them again and again that it does not change anything about me; that I’m still the same person. Once I start working, I have to make sure my co-workers do not know the truth about my sexual orientation, because I might lose my job if they do.

And all these because of what? - Because I like girls.

It’s somewhat funny, really. One would not think just one specific preference can fuck up someone’s life.

Now let’s see what are the objections that other people have to make about me living my life-

1. It’s against religion

I will refer this part following two hypotheses-

Hypothesis 1- Homosexuality is against religion.

When someone brings in the topic of homosexuality, this is the most widespread argument- homosexuality is against all religion. Due to this, it should not be tolerated; all homosexual people should suppress their attraction towards the same sex and live a life of lie. Lying itself is against all religion. Do you know what else is prohibited in our religion, Islam? Playing musical instruments. Singing. Smoking. Watching porn. Taking photographs and sharing them on Facebook. But people do it anyways.

Consider a scene like this- You are going through the folders of one of your friend’s computer and suddenly you come across his porn stack. You are shocked! You are surprised that you did not realize it before that he might be into pornography. You start realizing he’s not that good a person you thought; that he was not the person you used to know. When he comes back, you charge him for hiding this fact from you for so many years, and then you try to be self-righteous by saying “it’s not permissible in our religion”.

I’m very sure you probably would never think it that way.

Then why homosexuality? How are homosexual people harming you or the society? If you can get along with people you know who are regular smokers, why can’t you go along with people who are gay? What are you afraid of? That they are going to hit on you? What if they are hitting on you? You might feel awkward, that’s all. What else can we do? Let our lust loose when we find you alone? I don’t know how this came about- but not all homosexual people are rapists or pedophiles, just as how not all heterosexual people are rapists or pedophiles. Also do you really want to be that person who forces own religious beliefs on others who think otherwise?

If you can tolerate with people committing other “sins”, why can’t you stand homosexual people?

Hypothesis 2- Homosexuality is not against religion.

The term “homosexuality” has not been mentioned anywhere in Qur’an. It does not refer to gays, lesbians, or bisexuals. In fact, scholars had to come up with a term for homosexuality in Arabic. They came up with al-shudhudh al-jinsi, a phrase that means “sexually rare or unusual.” If the Qur’an mentioned homosexuality by name, scholars would have simply used that term. And just because the Holy Book only talks about heterosexual marriages, that does not necessarily mean everyone should be heterosexual. Because there are references made for people who are intersex- those with signs of being both male and female. This is not a common condition, but it does exist. The Qur’an does not say this condition is “wrong.” The Qur’an offers some guidance for how to treat intersex people in society, but there are many things it does not mention—including their sexuality. The Qur’an also refers to “men who have no need of women”—people we might call “gay” or “asexual” today. Yet the Qur’an does not condemn them.

The story of Prphet Lut (PBUH) is always brought up when referring to homosexuality. Before I get into more details, there are several things to understand about how the Qu’ran can be read-

• People can read literally: reading word for word, using exact definitions.
• People can read semantically: thinking about a word’s meaning in the sentence and in other places in the Qur’an.
• People also can read thematically: finding the meaning of a whole passage by looking at how it relates to themes in the Qur’an.

If we read the Qu’ran literally, there is no argument because it does not mention homosexuality. However, according to many people, semantic and thematic readings of the story of the city of Sodom indicate homosexuality has been banned in Islam. Now let’s go over the story once again.

In the story, the Prophet Lut (PBUH) first advised the people of the city of Sodom to follow God’s path, but they ignored him. Later, the men of Sodom threatened to rape Lut’s male visitors, who were angels disguised as men. God then punished the entire city of Sodom for rejecting their Prophet (Lut) and for “transgressions.”

Majority of scholars interpret the “transgressions” in the story of Lut to refer to male homosexuality. Yet the word “transgressions” in the Qur’an can mean something sexual or something non-sexual. Men were not the only ones punished in the destruction of Sodom. According to the Qur’an, the whole city was destroyed. Lut’s wife is specifically mentioned. Were Lut’s wife, other women and the children of Sodom punished for male homosexuality? That does not seem to be a reasonable conclusion.

A thematic reading of the story of Lut can be found in the Qisas al-Anbiya (classical stories of the Prophets). A story written by the scholar Muhammad ibn Abdallah Al-Kisa’i puts the strange behavior of the men of the city of Sodom in a context that makes sense. Al-Kisa’i suggests that the people of Sodom had taken to showing their city’s dominance by raping strangers. They were showing that they could take what they wanted from others. In that way, people became afraid to raid the city. This showed aggressiveness, stinginess and greed—all things that would justify their punishment. A thematic reading also tells us that the story’s main purpose was to show that people had rejected their prophets in the past, as some rejected Muhammad during his lifetime, and how those who rejected prophets were punished. This is clear from the context of the story of Lut, which is placed among other stories with the same theme.

Now the question is, was the behavior of the men of Sodom an expression of sexual desire? No. The Qu’ran says that the men of Sodom wanted to have sex with the visiting angels by force. This is an example of rape, not an example of sexual desire. Rape is about power. It is used to coerce, control or punish the victim.

I know you won’t believe me. But there are other reasons to think this is the correct way to understand the story of Lut.

In two hadith—or stories of the Prophet Muhammad(PBUH)—there is support for this understanding of the story of Lut. In one, the Prophet Muhammad asked the archangel Jibra’il (Gabriel) why and how the people of Lut were destroyed. Jibra’il responded that they did not clean themselves after using the bathroom or having sex, they did not share their food, and they were covetous (wanting things that belonged to others) and stingy. In another hadith, someone asked the Prophet Muhammad about the penalty for stinginess and the Prophet told the story of the people of Lut.

Based on this reading, the story of Lut can instruct Muslims to:

• Follow the example set by the Prophet Lut (PBUH) of hospitality, generosity and protection of people who are vulnerable, such as travelers.
• Avoid stinginess and greed.
• Condemn rape—and speak out against any use of sexual acts to coerce or control
• Uphold and respect relationships based on consent, fairness, mutual support and love for one another.

The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) never described homosexuality as a crime and he never punished anyone for being gay, lesbian or bisexual. A detailed study of early Islamic literature also showed that the Prophet accepted men called mukhanath. Mukhanath were men who were seen as “acting like women”—they might be considered transgender today or they might have been gay men whose sexual orientation was seen as making them “like women.”

The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) seemed to recognize these men were different from others. His wife, Umm Salama, had a mukhanath friend named Hit. Unlike other men, Hit was allowed to enter both men’s space and women’s space—Muhammad even trusted the mukhanath enough to let him enter the private women’s space of the Prophet’s household. However, Muhammad did “punish” him in a way, but not for his sexuality. Muhammad found out that Hit described a woman’s body to a man—which he could do because he was able to enter both women’s and men’s spaces. At that point, Muhammad told his wife not to allow Hit into the women’s quarters anymore. However, Muhammad did not criticize Hit for his sexuality or for “acting like women”—he only criticized Hit for not respecting the privacy of women.

So there you go. I have given sufficient reasons to believe homosexuality, if not allowed, has neither been prohibited in Islam. You cannot tell me just because I’m into girls, I’m going against the religion. You cannot tell me just because I’m a lesbian, God won’t accept me. Who are YOU to speak on behalf of the Almighty?

Thanks to this organization and its website- Muslims for Progressive Values at http://mpvusa.org/portfolio/sexuality-diversity/ for giving me enough info on the topic.

2. Homosexuality is unnatural

Homosexuality exists in over 1500 species of animals. It occurs in numerous species from worms to primates, including Bonobos (previously called pygmy chimpanzees) which are one of human’s closest cousins, and which sharing nearly 99 percent of our DNA. So yeah, homosexuality is a natural phenomenon.

Many people put forward the question, “If homosexual is natural, will we even exist?” -_-

Homosexual is just as natural as heterosexual is. It’s not like if we agree that homosexuality is natural and gay rights were finally considered that same as human rights (because we are indeed human) and is agreed upon, all people will turn gay. And that eventually the population is going to be a halt because no one will be able to make babies. And the world will end with the last breath of the last homosexual. Seriously, that’s your confidence about your own sexuality? People will continue to breed because just as some people who will always be homosexual, there will be some people who will always be straight.

In addition, look at how science has developed over the recent decade- who’s to say there will not be a way for same-sex parents to have children of their own? I want my baby to have my curls, and I want to have that baby with the one I love. Please make it happen, science!

3. Homosexuality is a mental sickness

According to American Psychiatric Association, a mental disorder is a health condition characterized by significant dysfunction in an individual’s cognitions, emotions, or behaviors that reflects a disturbance in the psychological, biological, or developmental processes underlying mental functioning. I don’t have any psychological problems, and I’m not saying that just because that’s how I feel. When I was dragged to the psychiatrists when I tried to come out, they gave me a series of psychological tests, the results of which surprised them because I apparently had no cognition or behavioral problems. I also had to undergo hormonal tests which came out fine. And since academic performance and socializing abilities are two of the indicators of proper mental functioning, I’m in a very good shape. By logic, I don’t see why homosexuality would be considered as a mental disorder in the first place.

Most importantly, if it was indeed a mental disorder, one would think I would be “cured” after seeing three of the top psychiatrists in Bangladesh. But here I am, gay as ever. So I really can’t find any reason to believe homosexuality is a mental sickness.

And it's not just me. There's a general consensus among doctors from all over the world (except apparently Bangladesh) about different orientations representing normal forms of human experience. Homosexual relationships, just like relationships between men & women, have been termed as natural & healthy forms of human bonding. If you don't believe me, just go to http://www.apa.org/topics/lgbt/orientation.pdf

Homophobia is a mental disorder, by the way. The inclusion of the term “phobia” in the word is a giveaway, isn’t it?

4. Homosexuality is not an acceptable lifestyle

First, let’s take a look at the definition of lifestyle. Lifestyle is a way of life or style of living that reflects the attitudes and values of a person or group. Being gay can have an impact on some certain, but limited, attitudes I may have towards concepts like homosexuality itself, marriage, liberalism, etc. This does not necessarily define my lifestyle. My lifestyle can be compared to any other heterosexual person’s lifestyle. We don’t necessarily live differently.

If indeed being gay is a lifestyle, it’s my life to lead, not anyone else’s. As long as I’m not harming anyone, why would anyone have a say on how I should live my life? I’m not indulging myself in teasing female passer-bys. I’m not roaming among the crowds and “accidentally” groping girls. Why will my lifestyle be unacceptable just because the society expects only guys can do these things?

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Lee Maracle in her book “I Am Woman: A Native Perspective on Sociology and Feminism” said, “To be raped is to be sexually violated. For society to force someone, through shame and ostracism, to comply with love and sex that it defines, is nothing but organized rape. That is what homophobia is all about. Organized rape.” I have not come across a truer explanation of homophobia. Stop being a homophobic asshole. It’s about time.

And this brings me to the end of this rather long blog. I would like to end with a quote-

“The concept that really gets the goat of the gay-hater, the idea that really spins their melon and sickens their stomachs is that most terrible and terrifying of all human notions, love.

That one can love another of the same gender, that is what the homophobe really cannot stand. Love in all eight tones and all five semitones of the world's full octave.

Love as Agape, Eros and Philos; love as infatuation, obsession and lust; love as torture, euphoria, ecstasy and oblivion (this is beginning to read like a Calvin Klein perfume catalogue); love as need, passion and desire.”

― Stephen Fry, Moab Is My Washpot

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The writer is someone who's writing about herself in third person right now! If you love this post, leave a comment or a personal feedback to missstraightanot@gmail.com. If you hate this post, please feel free to share as well. Haters give rise to the lovers in the world.

Episode 03: Friends For Life

Good friends. Bad friends. Weird friends. Friends our parents ask us to stay away from. School friends. College friends. Friends with benefit. Friends who keep secrets. Friends who cannot keep secrets and it’s not their fault. Facebook friends. Long-distance friends. More than friends. Just friends. Best friends. Friends for life.

Friendship is like jello. It’ll take whichever form you let it. We hardly ever know when someone stops being just a person we know and starts becoming a friend.  My friends have always been an important part of my life. When I was growing up, I never really became friends with my siblings. There was always this gap that never got filled in. Even then I did not feel lonely when I was a kid. Thanks to the never-sinking ship called friendship.

Growing up, I had a crazy bunch of friends at primary school. The latest fad then was being detectives and suddenly all of us loved to put on our deerstalkers and be Sherlock Holmes. We investigated empty rooms, trees, toilets and staircases’ looking for clues of God knows to what. We investigated pieces of papers and looked for hidden meanings in illegible scribbling on tables. When I got home, the investigation continued with my friends from the apartment. We spent a lot of time on the rooftop and in the garage just running around for no reason. The Eids were just as exciting with these friends of mine; we exchanged cards, visited all the flats, and got our small bags filled with big notes. And in the evening when I was alone, I took up imaginary roles of imaginary characters and saved people from burning houses and shipwrecks. I had friends there as well (trying not to come off as insane).

I discovered I had feelings for girls at a relatively early age and it did not matter much to me. I took it quite normally and did not hesitate to share it with my friends. As children, we are more accepting and less judgmental. My friends teased me about me and my crushes rather normally; the idea that I’m a girl who’s crushing on other girls did not seem to bother them. I remember the first woman I fell in love with. Like many people, it was a teacher. I used to stare at her in awe, scribble down mushy words on the table, and background music played in my head when she entered our classroom.  When she used to take our classes, my friends threw me paper balls with small teasing notes written on it. I wonder what happens as we grow older when we start becoming so critical and judgmental. I’m not in touch with those friends of mine but I’m pretty sure if I go up to them now and express my deep feelings for a female teacher, most of them would be horrified.

My high school was a different one and I met new friends. The initial years went well with me being me, without raising many questions. I had a close set of friends; almost all of them were weird and crazy to a varied extent. Puberty represents a very confusing time in our lives. It may sound I’m gloating, but I have had a few girls hitting on me that time, and all of them claim to be straight today. (This reminds me of the term “bisexual until graduation” :P) As the years rolled, most of my friends started dating guys and I started to feel awkward. On one hand, the peer pressure in teenage years is always tough, and on the other hand, I did not want to date guys. From time to time I slipped and tried dated guys, but none worked out, especially due to my lack of interest in them which was very visible. Those years were quite difficult, and the fact that I was falling for a close friend of mine did not help much. Anyways, to keep a long story short, I came out to another of my close friends, and it was the first time I came out to anyone. She thought I was kidding. It took me almost two months to assure her that I was not. When I did, she responded, “I’m not sure if I’m against homosexuality or if I’m okay with it, but know that whatever you do, you will always have my support”. And she did. We have been friends for around 12 years now and although we have stupid fights every now and then, she has always been there for me. The other friend I had a crush on is still my friend. Although it has been on and off (things got really awkward when I professed my love for her), today she is one of my closest friends who gives me invaluable relationship advice.

However, as a personal note, I would like to advise my readers, especially the younger ones, that if you ever have a crush on your straight same-sex friends, it’s better to not to tell them. Your friendship may get ruined. Not all relationships last, and that is the truth. Even if you think that there might be a teeny tiny possibility and your friend might like you back, ask yourself what if it doesn’t work out? Do you want to risk your friendship for a fling?

 Anyways, I’m done with being murobbi. Moving on.

My university life has been great. What people say about this being the most special part of your life, is completely true. No one knew about me during the initial years and it used to bug me a lot. There was a different side to me that I kept hidden from them and I felt like I was betraying their trust. I tried to stay honest with them as much as possible, but since I was dating, I had to lie at times to cover my tracks. After two years, I knew I couldn’t continue like this. And so I started to come out to my friends, one at a time. Now if you are in the closet and you want to come out to your friends, make sure you know them well enough and that they love you enough to accept who you are. I developed a simple method to ease the news in. Here it is step by step-

•  Talk to your friend about homosexuality and their opinion about it. Also add how you would like to date a girl just to see what it would be like.
• Note their reaction to it. If it’s negative, stop here and forget the whole thing. If it’s positive, move on to the next step. 
• After one week, follow up on the previous conversation and admit that you once dated a girl for two months. (Use the word “date” rather than relationship and a trifling time period to lessen the seriousness of the whole thing)
• Note their reaction to it. If it’s negative, stop here and forget the whole thing. If it’s positive, move on to the next step.
• After two weeks, follow up on the previous conversation and say that you actually dated twice, and both of were girls. This usually starts a long talk and you can go on giving further details about your other life. Sometimes even they share their secrets; stuffs they have never said to anyone. This acts as a seal to your bond of trust. Believe me, there is only a few things better than having trustworthy friends in your life.

Right before the fifth step, I always go through this terrible fearful phase. What if they don’t take it as my “research” says they will? What if they cut me out of their lives? What if they keep away from me because they don’t want to be associated with the label I carry with myself? Every time I go through this phase, and every time people surprise me. Love is a strong emotion, and we see it in every relationship that matter to us. Not all my friends are liberal or comfortable with the idea of homosexuality, but they still accept me as I am.  And as much as they might try to deny it if questioned, it’s only because they love me. When people know you well enough, they understand that this single dimension of your personality does not change who you are. I have taken the liberty to compile a few statements of support from my friends (some parts of it is a bit self-bragging; but this is what they said!) -

“You will never be banished by your friends. That’s stupid! I won’t say I never discriminate; I hate it when guys give little hearts in their statuses but that doesn’t mean I will not like that person ! You are a wonderful girl; a very self-less, caring, smart and intelligent one. You are a great friend and a beautiful human being. The fact that you prefer girls doesn't make any difference. So stop being in the fear that your friends will banish you. Fear is such a strong word. You have to come out of that fear! We all love you and you have to except who you are and be proud of it!”

This statement came from one of my best friends, who takes a lot of shit from me. I don’t think she has much idea about what her kind words meant for me. I literally had tears in my eyes.
      

The next one comes from another friend of mine who was in utter disbelief when I told her about me. She thought I was kidding and it took a lot of effort on my part to convince her that I was not. When she did believe me, this is what she wrote to me-

“I'm sorry if have been acting weird that day. I was a bit shocked, and it took a long while to dawn upon me… Anyways, please know that learning about you in no way affects our friendship. It requires a lot of courage to admit something like this I know, and I am glad you could confide in us. No matter what, you'll always remain the same person in my eyes, the most helpful friend I have known, and somebody I can always count on. I know you have been through a lot, and it worries me to think about the future. But I will always pray to Allah so that He makes everything right for you. Love you!”

I’d wish all people who have been through this, or will be going through what I have to read what they said to me. Because your friends, the precious few ones who truly love and care, will say the exact same things. The going might get tough and life might seem like an endless journey to nowhere, but the light at the end of the tunnel? Well the crazy lot you call friends would do anything to light it. If you let them, they’ll make sure to light up so bright that you never have to face darkness ever again. They’d do that, for you.  A thousand times over. 

Episode 02: Closet Case

Mom rushed into my room bursting with excitement. She was holding a paper in her hand which she almost thrust on my face.

Mom: “We got a new proposal for you! Just take a look at the biodata. You won't not be sorry.”

I gave out an exasperated sigh: “I told you mom I don’t want to get married before I complete my studies!”

Mom beamed and said, “One look at the picture and you will change your mind just like that.”

I glanced over the passport-size photo stapled on the paper. Mom was kind of right. The sight was quite tempting. But I was adamant. 

Me: “Yeah she’s pretty. But still my studies come first, mom.”

Mom almost cried out, “But they have two flats in Dhaka! They will keep you happy I’m sure!”

                                                                                                   

Wouldn’t it be swell if my mom did something like that? Helping me decide which girl I should choose as my life-partner? Asking me to go for a girl because her father is a rich businessman? Surely, these are not the attributes which would make me go for someone, but you know how unreasonable parents can be.

I love weddings. I love the pre-wedding get-togethers, dance rehearsals, shopping, deciding on the menu. Friends and families making plans on how to make the wedding the most memorable event for the bride and groom. I love the wedding ceremony itself. Both bride and groom looking their best and all dolled up in beautiful attires. Everyone going up to the couple and congratulating them. The camera people competing with one another and trying to get their best shot. And the gifts, opening up of which is a big event by itself. I love the post-wedding affairs. Relatives fighting over one another to see whose dawaat the couple would go next. Friends relentlessly teasing the newly-wed bride and groom who always seem to have a shy smile on their face. 

I don’t remember if I have attended any wedding without thinking even for a bit that I might not be having any of these.

I surely can though. After my graduation, my parents would start looking for that perfect guy for their precious daughter, and I can just get married to him. I can get this wedding where everyone I care about would come and wish me a happy life. And, man I would get so many gifts! But what comes after that? A life of lies? Sure it would make my family happy. But don’t they always tell me they are only happy if I’m happy? I wish it was easy to get this logic through to them.

When I tried to come out to my family, they were devastated. I think they would have been less devastated if I told them I had AIDS. They were out of their wits and after much discussion behind closed doors, they decided to show me to a well-renowned psychiatrist. I was in a bad place then and did not want to argue with them much. Besides, I always thought psychiatry was a fascinating field and did not want to lose out on an opportunity to meet one face to face. But it was such a disappointment! The doctor looked nothing like what I thought she would be like. I used to pour out my heart to this doctor and she used to sleep, and sometimes even snore! And at the end of our pretty much one-sided conversations, she prescribed me multi-colored pills which I had to take almost after every meal. Till now I don’t know why those pills were for; they surely did not “cure” me from the “disease” I had. I just used to sleep a lot and couldn’t do much rational thinking. And I cried a lot, for hardly any reason. The doctor even wanted my parents to send me to a rehab centre or a mental asylum, but then they figured out there would be girls there as well. So more chances for me to have flings. And then she started to question my gender and got some hormonal tests done to see my testosterone levels. I had to explain the hormone specialist, whose interest was much more than required, the reason of me being there- that I liked girls and if there are chances I could “grow” a penis (Someone I know, who is very educated and much more older than I am, asked me if I had one, after hearing about me) I distinctly remember when the tests came out fine, my mother thanked God. I wanted to ask her even if I were a hermaphrodite, wasn't I the creation of God? I saw two other psychiatrists after her; the second one was nice enough to prescribe me off the pills, but he was leaving for abroad and I was his last patient. The third one is perhaps the most famous psychiatrist of our country, but equally disappointing and creepy and was somewhat of a pervert. After the horrible experiences with these doctors, I have sincerely lost any hope for the psychiatrists of the country. Never go to one. They’ll fuck you up even more. I stopped all this nonsense by saying that I was “cured” and now I found boys irresistible.

It was funny how after that my family became so concerned about my dating life, or the lack thereof. They thought I were into girls because I had never dated a guy and they wanted me to go out there and have my share of men. Any straight girl would be happy to have my parents, wouldn’t they? I tried to come out to them one more time right after I started dating my first girlfriend, but things became more horrible than before. My family shunned me out completely. They would not talk to me, and the only time they called out for me was before meals; that too through our maid servants. I remember I had my twentieth birthday during that time. My family- my loving, loving family- did not even wish me. And of course there was no cake. It was the worst punishment I ever got, that too for something I was not responsible for. If you could control feelings, wouldn’t that be the best? Anyways, things were becoming unbearable for me, and I caved in and said I was dating a guy. I figured out since I have to live with them, and because I’m still a student with hardly a stable source of income, it would be best if I keep pretending to be straight. I hate hypocrisy, but I really had no other option.

I love my family. I do. And may be getting married to a guy will be the best thing to do. But I can’t do that to myself. Or to the guy I will get married to. He must have his own dreams of a perfect wife, and I cannot fulfill that. Mainly because I’m looking for that perfect wife for me as well :-P All jokes aside, marriage doesn’t only happen between two people, but between two families. I find it ethically wrong to involve so many people in a bond built on lies. Right now, I’m targeting for no marriage at all. Let’s see how long I can hold my parents off.

My friends on the other hand have been a blessing. I have come out to those who are closest to me, and they have been wonderful handling it. I always thought if my friends got to know the truth, especially the girls, they might feel uncomfortable around me. But it seems they do get the point that just because I’m a lesbian, that doesn’t mean I would be attracted to every girl there is. The guys have also responded very nicely. Being boys themselves, they seem to understand it better why someone would like girls. The most awesome thing is that I can discuss all my problems with these very special people and I know they would not judge me. It feels good to be accepted for who you are. Wrong. It feels ecstatic. They may never fully realize the significance of what they did for me; but if I say that they saved my life, I would not be exaggerating. 

I was going though my diary which I used back in the days of "the psycho psychiatrists". The pages were still strewn with drops with my tears and inks were smeared, making some of the lines illegible. I came across a diary entry which read "How hard it will be to take my own life? Isn't dying once better than dying every second?" As I went on, I saw that I actually had a detailed plans of how and when I was going to commit suicide. It was this year, on my birthday. I always was a fan of irony. I began to think about the mess I was then, and the person I am today, and I let out a sigh of relief. I'm glad that I was strong enough to pull through that difficult time; otherwise, there would have been so many things left unseen; so many things left undone. With all its complications and hardships, life is indeed beautiful. 

I will end once again with a quote. This is from one of my most favorite movies- “Gray Matters”. It’s about a girl called Gray who comes out to her brother Sam after realizing that she’s a lesbian.  

Gray: I don’t feel normal. I’m sick and tired of everyone saying it’s normal, it’s typical, it’s ordinary. I don’t feel any of those things.

Sam: Well how do you feel?

Gray: Lonely.

Sam: Why?

Gray: Because I’m never going to be able to walk down the street, holding hands with my partner without the rest of the world giving us a look. And me never have the wedding that I once dreamed of and I may never have children. And one day when I die people will never give as much respect to my grieving lover as if she were my husband.

Sam: Gray, it’s not as if you made a choice.

Gray: That’s what terrifies me. It’s so much easier to be someone else.

Adios.

Episode 01: "Thank You For Discriminating"

Have you ever had the feeling that you have so many thoughts running havoc in your tiny little brain that at one point you feel your head’s going to explode? Of course it does not, and the thoughts just zoom around leaving small bumps on your solid skull. This happens to me a lot and so I added a new thought in my very own thought jungle and asked myself what I can do about it. The answer is “Blog!! Instead of bothering yourself with stupid yet sometimes philosophical thoughts, go bother other people and waste their time! OMG I’m so intelligent!” Yes, some of these thoughts are quite narcissistic.

So the thought of the day- “Discriminations, stereotypes, and bizarre comparisons”

My sexual orientation is not what majority of people might display. If I could be a bit less subtle, I would say I’m into girls. And me being a girl myself, that would make me a lesbian. I don’t understand why people have an irresistible urge to shorten words. Lesbians are termed as “les”, “lezzy”, “lesbo”, “lesbi”- How hard it is to add 2-4 additional letters? Is it a means to insult us? I don’t get you, you straight people…

See what I did there? No human being should be defined by their sexual orientation. And people have got to break out of the stereotypes! Just because I’m a lesbian that does not mean I’m ugly and I cannot get guys. Or that I’m a tom-boy. Or that “it’s just a phase”. Boy, I hate that term! Who has ever told a straight girl “I understand that you have feelings for a guy. It’s okay. It’s just a phase.” Why would anyone even think they have the right to tell anyone how they should feel about a certain person? We know the rules, the restrictions, and the probable consequences. And even after all these if we still want to follow our heart, why would others be bothered by it?

People are so opinionated about everything; even things that do not affect them in anyway. I have always wondered why, and then I realized some people would say anything to hurt you. For example, this is a very general comment on gay marriages- “What’s next? People will be allowed to marry their dogs??!!” I mean, WTF? We’re talking about the union of adult human beings and where both of them have legal standings. Why would we even compare a person with a dog??  And not only that, homosexuals are also considered to be in the same category as pedophiles and necrophiliacs. I see no logical explanation for this. If it is because all of them have “depraved sexual activities”, I’ve got something to say. Pedophilia is having sexual feelings for children, which is sick by itself. If pedophilia leads to molestation, it leaves harmful impacts on the psychological well-being of the victims and can be considered as rape since it is a form of non-consensual sexual activity. Necrophilia is having sex with dead bodies of people who might have resisted it if they were alive. But since they are not, their bodies are being abused as such. Whatever activities that go on between homosexual couples are consensual. And sometimes it does involve real feelings, just like many straight couples. And then there will be some self-righteous people who will bring in religion. We are who we are. If it were a choice, do you honestly think I would have “chosen” to be with girls? What benefit would that bring me? I’m in constant fear of my friends banishing me, my family banishing me, the society banishing me. If it was up to me, I would have chosen to be straight because that would have made my life a lot easier. But no one chooses their sexual orientation. A straight guy would not wake up from sleep one day and decide he wants to date a guy.

It does seem I have a lot of suppressed grudges. But being a lesbian in Bangladesh, I actually have to face discrimination in multiple levels. Apparently if a girl does not get married by she’s 24 (the cut-off age today is 24 in urban areas), it becomes a matter of great concern, not only for her family, but also for the relatives who really are not supposed to have a say in this. These relatives actually try to come up with absolutely absurd reasons for this unholy problem. I actually tried to inject one rumor among my relatives that I was dating a foreigner who’s currently in Europe, waiting for me with a diamond-studded wedding ring. But my mother kind of stopped me from it. Marriage is a life-changing decision and one of the major steps of our lives. Would it be right for any girl to get married just because their relatives might say things behind their back? We know about the medical consequences, but it’s still our life. Shouldn’t the decision about whom to get married to or whether to marry at all reside on us? Because when the big ceremony is over and everyone is happily fed and gone to their houses, no one would actually care how the bride or the groom felt about the whole thing. Believe me; I would like to get married with the person I love. I would like to have a family of my own. But thinking about having a same-sex household here will be like pursuing a utopian dream. People will throw stones at my house!

I really don’t understand the concept of hurting people who have done nothing to cause you any harm. So people, please stop discrimination. And stop comparing people with animals. I know it’s easier said than done, but I like to stay positive. Before I go, I want to quote a scene from “Friends”, which happens to be one of my most favorite shows, and it’s a bit relevant to this post of mine. Well, not so much, but it’s still funny-

Joey: “If the homo sapiens were in fact “homo” sapiens...is that why they're extinct?”

Ross: “Joey, homo sapiens are people!”

Joey: “Hey, I'm not judging!”

Adios.