Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Episode 01: "Thank You For Discriminating"


Have you ever had the feeling that you have so many thoughts running havoc in your tiny little brain that at one point you feel your head’s going to explode? Of course it does not, and the thoughts just zoom around leaving small bumps on your solid skull. This happens to me a lot and so I added a new thought in my very own thought jungle and asked myself what I can do about it. The answer is “Blog!! Instead of bothering yourself with stupid yet sometimes philosophical thoughts, go bother other people and waste their time! OMG I’m so intelligent!” Yes, some of these thoughts are quite narcissistic.

So the thought of the day- “Discriminations, stereotypes, and bizarre comparisons”

My sexual orientation is not what majority of people might display. If I could be a bit less subtle, I would say I’m into girls. And me being a girl myself, that would make me a lesbian. I don’t understand why people have an irresistible urge to shorten words. Lesbians are termed as “les”, “lezzy”, “lesbo”, “lesbi”- How hard it is to add 2-4 additional letters? Is it a means to insult us? I don’t get you, you straight people…

See what I did there? No human being should be defined by their sexual orientation. And people have got to break out of the stereotypes! Just because I’m a lesbian that does not mean I’m ugly and I cannot get guys. Or that I’m a tom-boy. Or that “it’s just a phase”. Boy, I hate that term! Who has ever told a straight girl “I understand that you have feelings for a guy. It’s okay. It’s just a phase.” Why would anyone even think they have the right to tell anyone how they should feel about a certain person? We know the rules, the restrictions, and the probable consequences. And even after all these if we still want to follow our heart, why would others be bothered by it?

People are so opinionated about everything; even things that do not affect them in anyway. I have always wondered why, and then I realized some people would say anything to hurt you. For example, this is a very general comment on gay marriages- “What’s next? People will be allowed to marry their dogs??!!” I mean, WTF? We’re talking about the union of adult human beings and where both of them have legal standings. Why would we even compare a person with a dog??  And not only that, homosexuals are also considered to be in the same category as pedophiles and necrophiliacs. I see no logical explanation for this. If it is because all of them have “depraved sexual activities”, I’ve got something to say. Pedophilia is having sexual feelings for children, which is sick by itself. If pedophilia leads to molestation, it leaves harmful impacts on the psychological well-being of the victims and can be considered as rape since it is a form of non-consensual sexual activity. Necrophilia is having sex with dead bodies of people who might have resisted it if they were alive. But since they are not, their bodies are being abused as such. Whatever activities that go on between homosexual couples are consensual. And sometimes it does involve real feelings, just like many straight couples. And then there will be some self-righteous people who will bring in religion. We are who we are. If it were a choice, do you honestly think I would have “chosen” to be with girls? What benefit would that bring me? I’m in constant fear of my friends banishing me, my family banishing me, the society banishing me. If it was up to me, I would have chosen to be straight because that would have made my life a lot easier. But no one chooses their sexual orientation. A straight guy would not wake up from sleep one day and decide he wants to date a guy.

It does seem I have a lot of suppressed grudges. But being a lesbian in Bangladesh, I actually have to face discrimination in multiple levels. Apparently if a girl does not get married by she’s 24 (the cut-off age today is 24 in urban areas), it becomes a matter of great concern, not only for her family, but also for the relatives who really are not supposed to have a say in this. These relatives actually try to come up with absolutely absurd reasons for this unholy problem. I actually tried to inject one rumor among my relatives that I was dating a foreigner who’s currently in Europe, waiting for me with a diamond-studded wedding ring. But my mother kind of stopped me from it. Marriage is a life-changing decision and one of the major steps of our lives. Would it be right for any girl to get married just because their relatives might say things behind their back? We know about the medical consequences, but it’s still our life. Shouldn’t the decision about whom to get married to or whether to marry at all reside on us? Because when the big ceremony is over and everyone is happily fed and gone to their houses, no one would actually care how the bride or the groom felt about the whole thing. Believe me; I would like to get married with the person I love. I would like to have a family of my own. But thinking about having a same-sex household here will be like pursuing a utopian dream. People will throw stones at my house!

I really don’t understand the concept of hurting people who have done nothing to cause you any harm. So people, please stop discrimination. And stop comparing people with animals. I know it’s easier said than done, but I like to stay positive. Before I go, I want to quote a scene from “Friends”, which happens to be one of my most favorite shows, and it’s a bit relevant to this post of mine. Well, not so much, but it’s still funny-
Joey: “If the homo sapiens were in fact “homo” sapiens...is that why they're extinct?”
Ross: “Joey, homo sapiens are people!”
Joey: “Hey, I'm not judging!”

Adios. 

25 comments:

  1. Great post...I admire you for speaking up in favor of your sexuality! I can imagine how hard it can be for a lesbian in a country like Bangladesh...its like double marginalization. Keep up that positivity in you and work as a catalyst to change the society.

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  2. Being a Bangladeshi, I know exactly how difficult it must have been for you. I don't know what the future holds or how many decades it will take for us to finally realize that our sexual orientation is not a choice, but I have to admire you for this post! Looking forward to more of your posts! :)

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    1. Thank you for your support. The sooner the change comes, the better for us :-)

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  3. Once upon a time, long long time ago, people were not allowed to be with people from other races. But that has changed now.
    I sincerely hope, one day, we will look back to today and say the same about homosexual relationships.

    I first came out to my friends a couple of years ago. Most of them think I was and still am joking about it and I don't push it either. But, m'lady, I know exactly what you go through every bloody day, the day after, and the day after that. Just hang in there. I cannot say things will get better in this country where people believe "corrective rape" is a solution to "curing" homosexuality. We will learn to cope better. I know I am, compared to the days back in high school.

    Feel free to hit me back if you ever want to talk or something.

    Love,
    A.

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    1. i've come across people who talk about 'corrective rape' when they hear a girl is lesbian. you should log into mig33 rooms sometimes and see how they talk about us. it enrages me so much ! just feel like kickin their balls cause that's what they deserve lol

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  4. Thank you for your comment :-) "Curing" homosexuality- it reminds me of something that has been bothering me for some time. Homosexuality was declassified as a mental disorder by American Psychiatric Association and American Psychologist Association (there IS a difference!) back in the 1970s. Yet most people here today believe it is a mental illness and can be cured with pills and yes, sometimes "corrective rape". Oh, the curse of ignorance!

    I actually tried to come out to my parents which is by far one of the worst mistakes I've made in my life. But that's a different story. I came out to some of my friends who accepted it very well. It didn't affect our friendship as I thought it would; if possible, it made our bond stronger. And what you said is true, we do learn to cope better with time.

    My email id is butter.toes@yahoo.com. If you want, you can contact me there.

    Love,
    Buttertoes

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    1. I guess I got cushioned by my friends too much off late and I forgot how hateful this subject is to other people. I am pretty open about it these days, and it's coming around to bite me back now. Can't we ever be true to ourselves? True to people we care about and who care about us? Or be with people we actually care about instead of being married off to some loony just because those meddling relatives think we would be "compatible" and live happily ever after?

      I used to somewhat cross-dress. That was my way of a small inner peace source. Had to give that up for the what the 'society' says. And the list goes on.

      Catowl who commented down there is a good friend of mine, and we've been through a lot of these situations together. It's good to have a bit of support. You know how misery loves company. :)

      If I could start if all over, I would.
      If I could control things at my birth, I would.
      If I could just wake up one day and become a guy, I would. Things would have been so much more simpler.

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  5. That is a lovely writing. And i can certainly relate to that. I'm a Bangladeshi girl and bi. And as much as i know coming out completely would be a suicidal act as of now, I did come out to some of my friends and they took it very well.
    I wish you the best of luck, it wont be long until we don't have to keep it in anymore, InshaAllah.

    Love.
    Kabir A.

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    1. Thank you for showing your support. And you sure have some great friends! :-) Good luck to you too.

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    2. I'm an American college student and I was hoping to visit Bangladesh. I'm bi and I prefer to have my hair short. I understand that it's important for women to have conservative dress, but does short hair come along with that?

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    3. @Blueonion- Nope. As long as girls are wearing conservative clothes, the length of hair doesn't matter much. When are you coming to Bangladesh? I can show you around if you visit Dhaka :-)

      If you want to contact me personally or if you want any other info about our country, leave a message at butter.toes@yahoo.com.

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  6. I'm glad I came across your blog and all the comments. I'm a bisexual Bangladeshi guy, and I've been blogging out my situation too for the last months.

    I've come out to many of my Bangladeshi friends and they've all mostly been fine with it too - so maybe people are more open minded than we think! Haven't come out to the parents though, dread the day I have to do that :S ...but I'm looking forward to more of your posts, really wanna know what it's like for other people in Bangladesh.

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    1. Hello! I was pleasantly surprised to see your comment. I agree to the part ''so maybe people are more open minded than we think!'' Cause I think in Bangladesh, or maybe all around the world. The fact that a Guy can be with another guy is even harder to stomach than the 'girl can be with another girl' , even more so for most straight guys. theyd call it sick and so on. So its surprising and very nice to know your friends took it well. But parents is ofcource, a whole other level and a dangerous step to take lol.
      Good luck to you :)

      Catowl.

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    2. Thank you Traveller. I went through your blog and it actually inspired me more to continue blogging. As Catowl said, coming out as a bisexual Bangladeshi guy should be more tough, and you really have been blessed with good friends. I'm looking forward to more of your posts as well :-)

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    3. @Catowl: Yeah, going to have to wait a while till I feel safe to tell my parents! I've told fewer male friends than female friends, because I also worried about straight guys taking it worse. But it's been fine so far...although I've not given them any detailed descriptions of any of my relationships (and I don't intend to!) :P

      @buttertoes: Well I happen to live abroad, and my friends have also been exposed to a variety of environments. All this tends to make things a bit easier IMO. I can't imagining how stifling it is in Bangladesh :/ What were you thinking of writing about for your blog? I'm curious :)

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    4. I have gone through a lot of websites and blogs and could never find anything substantial from a lesbian living in Bangladesh. It almost seemed like there are no lesbians living in this country. I realized it's time someone talks about the problems faced by us. I've always been fascinated by the power of blogs and I truly think it can bring remarkable changes in people's opinions :-)

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  9. Hey,
    That was a great post. It's finally great to see Bangladeshi lesbians coming out and posting online. Your post is probably the first I've read that came from a Bangladeshi lesbian.

    I almost agree with almost everything you've said- but I have to ask out of curiosity- do you live in Bangladesh? I believe most of the girls residing in Bangladesh are so suppressed by the religious and cultural values. Values that have been shoved down their throat. Values that they fear to judge and question. Values that design their life structure. Going against those traditional values is what lesbians living in Bangladesh critically fear. Heck, it's even hard for a young male gay people to come out easily- and it's not just in Bangladesh, it's hard to come out almost in any part of the world. But I suppose it's 10 times harder in Bangladesh.

    I'm so glad that I was brought up some where else. I am Bangladeshi, and I am a gay guy. But like someone said above, people have come to become more open minded than we think. Especially the youth. I have Bangladeshi friends here. One of be best and closest friend is Bangladeshi too, and he's the most typical guy one can ever meet. And we're like any other best friends- sharing everything, and I was so dazzled when I realized how cool he is with me being gay. I'm so glad that I have him and my other best friends in my life. Friends are really what can help you through everything.

    So, you've tried coming out to your parents? I seriously dread the day I do it. I have to, eventually. I'm sure my parents will be hurt and devastated. They will end up blaming themselves- start searching for serious flaws in my upbringing. How did you parents take it?

    Ash.

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    1. Hello Ashique and thanks for your comment. I do live in Bangladesh and I have never lived abroad. You're somewhat right about how girls here fear the curse of so-called "values". But if you ask me, there are so many more reasons which act barriers for people to come out here in this country. One of the reasons is that the culture here is a very collectivist one. Most people are so afraid to be shunned away by others that they would rather silently pass their life than speak up for themselves.

      I did try to come out to my parents. It was right after my O'Levels and I was going through a bad depression phase. I don't know, but I must have been very dumb to think it would make me feel better if I told my parents I was attracted to girls. It was a weird conversation with my mom who couldn't make any sense of what I was saying. She asked me to seek help from the Almighty, which puzzled me because I never thought i was doing anything wrong or that I had sinned. It may sound weird, but when I realized I like girls, I wasn't shocked, or tried to fight my feelings off. I accepted it just like the fact that I like mathematics. I didn't try to reason with them though; and the next thing I knew they were dragging me to psychiatrists. Yup- in plural form- because my parents wanted second opinions -_- I had my gender questioned, my hormones checked, my sanity doubted. One of them even wanted me to be sent to a psychiatric ward in some rehab. The medicines they prescribed me almost turned me into a vegetable for the next four months, but could never "cure" me from the "disease" I had. Then I realized I had to stop this madness. I went up to my parents and told them that I had changed, I realized my "mistake", and I liked guys. They were so relieved! The only thing this terrible experience made me realize is that the psychiatrists practicing here should have their licence revoked. I just hope no one has to go through something like this in their life.

      I think this answers you too, Traveller :-)

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    2. I'm feeling absolutely horrified by what happened to you after coming out to your parents. This just reminds me that I need to be cautious as a gay person in Bangladesh. I am lucky enough to have some wonderful friends (both straight and gay). I managed to come out to three of my straight female friends, but not to any straight guy friends. I think straight guys are afraid that they might be treated by the gay men like they treat their wives!

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  10. Yeah, I'm curious about how your parents took it too.

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