Episode 03: Friends For Life

Good friends. Bad friends. Weird friends. Friends our parents ask us to stay away from. School friends. College friends. Friends with benefit. Friends who keep secrets. Friends who cannot keep secrets and it’s not their fault. Facebook friends. Long-distance friends. More than friends. Just friends. Best friends. Friends for life.

Friendship is like jello. It’ll take whichever form you let it. We hardly ever know when someone stops being just a person we know and starts becoming a friend.  My friends have always been an important part of my life. When I was growing up, I never really became friends with my siblings. There was always this gap that never got filled in. Even then I did not feel lonely when I was a kid. Thanks to the never-sinking ship called friendship.

Growing up, I had a crazy bunch of friends at primary school. The latest fad then was being detectives and suddenly all of us loved to put on our deerstalkers and be Sherlock Holmes. We investigated empty rooms, trees, toilets and staircases’ looking for clues of God knows to what. We investigated pieces of papers and looked for hidden meanings in illegible scribbling on tables. When I got home, the investigation continued with my friends from the apartment. We spent a lot of time on the rooftop and in the garage just running around for no reason. The Eids were just as exciting with these friends of mine; we exchanged cards, visited all the flats, and got our small bags filled with big notes. And in the evening when I was alone, I took up imaginary roles of imaginary characters and saved people from burning houses and shipwrecks. I had friends there as well (trying not to come off as insane).

I discovered I had feelings for girls at a relatively early age and it did not matter much to me. I took it quite normally and did not hesitate to share it with my friends. As children, we are more accepting and less judgmental. My friends teased me about me and my crushes rather normally; the idea that I’m a girl who’s crushing on other girls did not seem to bother them. I remember the first woman I fell in love with. Like many people, it was a teacher. I used to stare at her in awe, scribble down mushy words on the table, and background music played in my head when she entered our classroom.  When she used to take our classes, my friends threw me paper balls with small teasing notes written on it. I wonder what happens as we grow older when we start becoming so critical and judgmental. I’m not in touch with those friends of mine but I’m pretty sure if I go up to them now and express my deep feelings for a female teacher, most of them would be horrified.

My high school was a different one and I met new friends. The initial years went well with me being me, without raising many questions. I had a close set of friends; almost all of them were weird and crazy to a varied extent. Puberty represents a very confusing time in our lives. It may sound I’m gloating, but I have had a few girls hitting on me that time, and all of them claim to be straight today. (This reminds me of the term “bisexual until graduation” :P) As the years rolled, most of my friends started dating guys and I started to feel awkward. On one hand, the peer pressure in teenage years is always tough, and on the other hand, I did not want to date guys. From time to time I slipped and tried dated guys, but none worked out, especially due to my lack of interest in them which was very visible. Those years were quite difficult, and the fact that I was falling for a close friend of mine did not help much. Anyways, to keep a long story short, I came out to another of my close friends, and it was the first time I came out to anyone. She thought I was kidding. It took me almost two months to assure her that I was not. When I did, she responded, “I’m not sure if I’m against homosexuality or if I’m okay with it, but know that whatever you do, you will always have my support”. And she did. We have been friends for around 12 years now and although we have stupid fights every now and then, she has always been there for me. The other friend I had a crush on is still my friend. Although it has been on and off (things got really awkward when I professed my love for her), today she is one of my closest friends who gives me invaluable relationship advice.

However, as a personal note, I would like to advise my readers, especially the younger ones, that if you ever have a crush on your straight same-sex friends, it’s better to not to tell them. Your friendship may get ruined. Not all relationships last, and that is the truth. Even if you think that there might be a teeny tiny possibility and your friend might like you back, ask yourself what if it doesn’t work out? Do you want to risk your friendship for a fling?

 Anyways, I’m done with being murobbi. Moving on.

My university life has been great. What people say about this being the most special part of your life, is completely true. No one knew about me during the initial years and it used to bug me a lot. There was a different side to me that I kept hidden from them and I felt like I was betraying their trust. I tried to stay honest with them as much as possible, but since I was dating, I had to lie at times to cover my tracks. After two years, I knew I couldn’t continue like this. And so I started to come out to my friends, one at a time. Now if you are in the closet and you want to come out to your friends, make sure you know them well enough and that they love you enough to accept who you are. I developed a simple method to ease the news in. Here it is step by step-

•  Talk to your friend about homosexuality and their opinion about it. Also add how you would like to date a girl just to see what it would be like.
• Note their reaction to it. If it’s negative, stop here and forget the whole thing. If it’s positive, move on to the next step. 
• After one week, follow up on the previous conversation and admit that you once dated a girl for two months. (Use the word “date” rather than relationship and a trifling time period to lessen the seriousness of the whole thing)
• Note their reaction to it. If it’s negative, stop here and forget the whole thing. If it’s positive, move on to the next step.
• After two weeks, follow up on the previous conversation and say that you actually dated twice, and both of were girls. This usually starts a long talk and you can go on giving further details about your other life. Sometimes even they share their secrets; stuffs they have never said to anyone. This acts as a seal to your bond of trust. Believe me, there is only a few things better than having trustworthy friends in your life.

Right before the fifth step, I always go through this terrible fearful phase. What if they don’t take it as my “research” says they will? What if they cut me out of their lives? What if they keep away from me because they don’t want to be associated with the label I carry with myself? Every time I go through this phase, and every time people surprise me. Love is a strong emotion, and we see it in every relationship that matter to us. Not all my friends are liberal or comfortable with the idea of homosexuality, but they still accept me as I am.  And as much as they might try to deny it if questioned, it’s only because they love me. When people know you well enough, they understand that this single dimension of your personality does not change who you are. I have taken the liberty to compile a few statements of support from my friends (some parts of it is a bit self-bragging; but this is what they said!) -

“You will never be banished by your friends. That’s stupid! I won’t say I never discriminate; I hate it when guys give little hearts in their statuses but that doesn’t mean I will not like that person ! You are a wonderful girl; a very self-less, caring, smart and intelligent one. You are a great friend and a beautiful human being. The fact that you prefer girls doesn't make any difference. So stop being in the fear that your friends will banish you. Fear is such a strong word. You have to come out of that fear! We all love you and you have to except who you are and be proud of it!”

This statement came from one of my best friends, who takes a lot of shit from me. I don’t think she has much idea about what her kind words meant for me. I literally had tears in my eyes.
      

The next one comes from another friend of mine who was in utter disbelief when I told her about me. She thought I was kidding and it took a lot of effort on my part to convince her that I was not. When she did believe me, this is what she wrote to me-

“I'm sorry if have been acting weird that day. I was a bit shocked, and it took a long while to dawn upon me… Anyways, please know that learning about you in no way affects our friendship. It requires a lot of courage to admit something like this I know, and I am glad you could confide in us. No matter what, you'll always remain the same person in my eyes, the most helpful friend I have known, and somebody I can always count on. I know you have been through a lot, and it worries me to think about the future. But I will always pray to Allah so that He makes everything right for you. Love you!”

I’d wish all people who have been through this, or will be going through what I have to read what they said to me. Because your friends, the precious few ones who truly love and care, will say the exact same things. The going might get tough and life might seem like an endless journey to nowhere, but the light at the end of the tunnel? Well the crazy lot you call friends would do anything to light it. If you let them, they’ll make sure to light up so bright that you never have to face darkness ever again. They’d do that, for you.  A thousand times over. 

Episode 02: Closet Case

Mom rushed into my room bursting with excitement. She was holding a paper in her hand which she almost thrust on my face.

Mom: “We got a new proposal for you! Just take a look at the biodata. You won't not be sorry.”

I gave out an exasperated sigh: “I told you mom I don’t want to get married before I complete my studies!”

Mom beamed and said, “One look at the picture and you will change your mind just like that.”

I glanced over the passport-size photo stapled on the paper. Mom was kind of right. The sight was quite tempting. But I was adamant. 

Me: “Yeah she’s pretty. But still my studies come first, mom.”

Mom almost cried out, “But they have two flats in Dhaka! They will keep you happy I’m sure!”

                                                                                                   

Wouldn’t it be swell if my mom did something like that? Helping me decide which girl I should choose as my life-partner? Asking me to go for a girl because her father is a rich businessman? Surely, these are not the attributes which would make me go for someone, but you know how unreasonable parents can be.

I love weddings. I love the pre-wedding get-togethers, dance rehearsals, shopping, deciding on the menu. Friends and families making plans on how to make the wedding the most memorable event for the bride and groom. I love the wedding ceremony itself. Both bride and groom looking their best and all dolled up in beautiful attires. Everyone going up to the couple and congratulating them. The camera people competing with one another and trying to get their best shot. And the gifts, opening up of which is a big event by itself. I love the post-wedding affairs. Relatives fighting over one another to see whose dawaat the couple would go next. Friends relentlessly teasing the newly-wed bride and groom who always seem to have a shy smile on their face. 

I don’t remember if I have attended any wedding without thinking even for a bit that I might not be having any of these.

I surely can though. After my graduation, my parents would start looking for that perfect guy for their precious daughter, and I can just get married to him. I can get this wedding where everyone I care about would come and wish me a happy life. And, man I would get so many gifts! But what comes after that? A life of lies? Sure it would make my family happy. But don’t they always tell me they are only happy if I’m happy? I wish it was easy to get this logic through to them.

When I tried to come out to my family, they were devastated. I think they would have been less devastated if I told them I had AIDS. They were out of their wits and after much discussion behind closed doors, they decided to show me to a well-renowned psychiatrist. I was in a bad place then and did not want to argue with them much. Besides, I always thought psychiatry was a fascinating field and did not want to lose out on an opportunity to meet one face to face. But it was such a disappointment! The doctor looked nothing like what I thought she would be like. I used to pour out my heart to this doctor and she used to sleep, and sometimes even snore! And at the end of our pretty much one-sided conversations, she prescribed me multi-colored pills which I had to take almost after every meal. Till now I don’t know why those pills were for; they surely did not “cure” me from the “disease” I had. I just used to sleep a lot and couldn’t do much rational thinking. And I cried a lot, for hardly any reason. The doctor even wanted my parents to send me to a rehab centre or a mental asylum, but then they figured out there would be girls there as well. So more chances for me to have flings. And then she started to question my gender and got some hormonal tests done to see my testosterone levels. I had to explain the hormone specialist, whose interest was much more than required, the reason of me being there- that I liked girls and if there are chances I could “grow” a penis (Someone I know, who is very educated and much more older than I am, asked me if I had one, after hearing about me) I distinctly remember when the tests came out fine, my mother thanked God. I wanted to ask her even if I were a hermaphrodite, wasn't I the creation of God? I saw two other psychiatrists after her; the second one was nice enough to prescribe me off the pills, but he was leaving for abroad and I was his last patient. The third one is perhaps the most famous psychiatrist of our country, but equally disappointing and creepy and was somewhat of a pervert. After the horrible experiences with these doctors, I have sincerely lost any hope for the psychiatrists of the country. Never go to one. They’ll fuck you up even more. I stopped all this nonsense by saying that I was “cured” and now I found boys irresistible.

It was funny how after that my family became so concerned about my dating life, or the lack thereof. They thought I were into girls because I had never dated a guy and they wanted me to go out there and have my share of men. Any straight girl would be happy to have my parents, wouldn’t they? I tried to come out to them one more time right after I started dating my first girlfriend, but things became more horrible than before. My family shunned me out completely. They would not talk to me, and the only time they called out for me was before meals; that too through our maid servants. I remember I had my twentieth birthday during that time. My family- my loving, loving family- did not even wish me. And of course there was no cake. It was the worst punishment I ever got, that too for something I was not responsible for. If you could control feelings, wouldn’t that be the best? Anyways, things were becoming unbearable for me, and I caved in and said I was dating a guy. I figured out since I have to live with them, and because I’m still a student with hardly a stable source of income, it would be best if I keep pretending to be straight. I hate hypocrisy, but I really had no other option.

I love my family. I do. And may be getting married to a guy will be the best thing to do. But I can’t do that to myself. Or to the guy I will get married to. He must have his own dreams of a perfect wife, and I cannot fulfill that. Mainly because I’m looking for that perfect wife for me as well :-P All jokes aside, marriage doesn’t only happen between two people, but between two families. I find it ethically wrong to involve so many people in a bond built on lies. Right now, I’m targeting for no marriage at all. Let’s see how long I can hold my parents off.

My friends on the other hand have been a blessing. I have come out to those who are closest to me, and they have been wonderful handling it. I always thought if my friends got to know the truth, especially the girls, they might feel uncomfortable around me. But it seems they do get the point that just because I’m a lesbian, that doesn’t mean I would be attracted to every girl there is. The guys have also responded very nicely. Being boys themselves, they seem to understand it better why someone would like girls. The most awesome thing is that I can discuss all my problems with these very special people and I know they would not judge me. It feels good to be accepted for who you are. Wrong. It feels ecstatic. They may never fully realize the significance of what they did for me; but if I say that they saved my life, I would not be exaggerating. 

I was going though my diary which I used back in the days of "the psycho psychiatrists". The pages were still strewn with drops with my tears and inks were smeared, making some of the lines illegible. I came across a diary entry which read "How hard it will be to take my own life? Isn't dying once better than dying every second?" As I went on, I saw that I actually had a detailed plans of how and when I was going to commit suicide. It was this year, on my birthday. I always was a fan of irony. I began to think about the mess I was then, and the person I am today, and I let out a sigh of relief. I'm glad that I was strong enough to pull through that difficult time; otherwise, there would have been so many things left unseen; so many things left undone. With all its complications and hardships, life is indeed beautiful. 

I will end once again with a quote. This is from one of my most favorite movies- “Gray Matters”. It’s about a girl called Gray who comes out to her brother Sam after realizing that she’s a lesbian.  

Gray: I don’t feel normal. I’m sick and tired of everyone saying it’s normal, it’s typical, it’s ordinary. I don’t feel any of those things.

Sam: Well how do you feel?

Gray: Lonely.

Sam: Why?

Gray: Because I’m never going to be able to walk down the street, holding hands with my partner without the rest of the world giving us a look. And me never have the wedding that I once dreamed of and I may never have children. And one day when I die people will never give as much respect to my grieving lover as if she were my husband.

Sam: Gray, it’s not as if you made a choice.

Gray: That’s what terrifies me. It’s so much easier to be someone else.

Adios.

Episode 01: "Thank You For Discriminating"

Have you ever had the feeling that you have so many thoughts running havoc in your tiny little brain that at one point you feel your head’s going to explode? Of course it does not, and the thoughts just zoom around leaving small bumps on your solid skull. This happens to me a lot and so I added a new thought in my very own thought jungle and asked myself what I can do about it. The answer is “Blog!! Instead of bothering yourself with stupid yet sometimes philosophical thoughts, go bother other people and waste their time! OMG I’m so intelligent!” Yes, some of these thoughts are quite narcissistic.

So the thought of the day- “Discriminations, stereotypes, and bizarre comparisons”

My sexual orientation is not what majority of people might display. If I could be a bit less subtle, I would say I’m into girls. And me being a girl myself, that would make me a lesbian. I don’t understand why people have an irresistible urge to shorten words. Lesbians are termed as “les”, “lezzy”, “lesbo”, “lesbi”- How hard it is to add 2-4 additional letters? Is it a means to insult us? I don’t get you, you straight people…

See what I did there? No human being should be defined by their sexual orientation. And people have got to break out of the stereotypes! Just because I’m a lesbian that does not mean I’m ugly and I cannot get guys. Or that I’m a tom-boy. Or that “it’s just a phase”. Boy, I hate that term! Who has ever told a straight girl “I understand that you have feelings for a guy. It’s okay. It’s just a phase.” Why would anyone even think they have the right to tell anyone how they should feel about a certain person? We know the rules, the restrictions, and the probable consequences. And even after all these if we still want to follow our heart, why would others be bothered by it?

People are so opinionated about everything; even things that do not affect them in anyway. I have always wondered why, and then I realized some people would say anything to hurt you. For example, this is a very general comment on gay marriages- “What’s next? People will be allowed to marry their dogs??!!” I mean, WTF? We’re talking about the union of adult human beings and where both of them have legal standings. Why would we even compare a person with a dog??  And not only that, homosexuals are also considered to be in the same category as pedophiles and necrophiliacs. I see no logical explanation for this. If it is because all of them have “depraved sexual activities”, I’ve got something to say. Pedophilia is having sexual feelings for children, which is sick by itself. If pedophilia leads to molestation, it leaves harmful impacts on the psychological well-being of the victims and can be considered as rape since it is a form of non-consensual sexual activity. Necrophilia is having sex with dead bodies of people who might have resisted it if they were alive. But since they are not, their bodies are being abused as such. Whatever activities that go on between homosexual couples are consensual. And sometimes it does involve real feelings, just like many straight couples. And then there will be some self-righteous people who will bring in religion. We are who we are. If it were a choice, do you honestly think I would have “chosen” to be with girls? What benefit would that bring me? I’m in constant fear of my friends banishing me, my family banishing me, the society banishing me. If it was up to me, I would have chosen to be straight because that would have made my life a lot easier. But no one chooses their sexual orientation. A straight guy would not wake up from sleep one day and decide he wants to date a guy.

It does seem I have a lot of suppressed grudges. But being a lesbian in Bangladesh, I actually have to face discrimination in multiple levels. Apparently if a girl does not get married by she’s 24 (the cut-off age today is 24 in urban areas), it becomes a matter of great concern, not only for her family, but also for the relatives who really are not supposed to have a say in this. These relatives actually try to come up with absolutely absurd reasons for this unholy problem. I actually tried to inject one rumor among my relatives that I was dating a foreigner who’s currently in Europe, waiting for me with a diamond-studded wedding ring. But my mother kind of stopped me from it. Marriage is a life-changing decision and one of the major steps of our lives. Would it be right for any girl to get married just because their relatives might say things behind their back? We know about the medical consequences, but it’s still our life. Shouldn’t the decision about whom to get married to or whether to marry at all reside on us? Because when the big ceremony is over and everyone is happily fed and gone to their houses, no one would actually care how the bride or the groom felt about the whole thing. Believe me; I would like to get married with the person I love. I would like to have a family of my own. But thinking about having a same-sex household here will be like pursuing a utopian dream. People will throw stones at my house!

I really don’t understand the concept of hurting people who have done nothing to cause you any harm. So people, please stop discrimination. And stop comparing people with animals. I know it’s easier said than done, but I like to stay positive. Before I go, I want to quote a scene from “Friends”, which happens to be one of my most favorite shows, and it’s a bit relevant to this post of mine. Well, not so much, but it’s still funny-

Joey: “If the homo sapiens were in fact “homo” sapiens...is that why they're extinct?”

Ross: “Joey, homo sapiens are people!”

Joey: “Hey, I'm not judging!”

Adios.