Episode 08: The Diary Unwritten

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Episode 07: Crushing

Have you ever been in the waters? 

The first time I got into water was in a beautiful pond in the backyard of my uncle’s place. There was an old stairway that led into the deeper parts under the green-tinted water. The ritual was almost the same every time. First you start by dipping your toes slightly, as if to test the temperature. Then you slide in your ankles as you move forward. A few seconds later, you are knee-deep, and eventually the water levels to your waist. You start feeling the smooth surface with your fingers and your palm, slowly shifting it as if to see what’s below, but in vain. You can only see deep green underneath that ends nowhere. You know it might get dangerous, but you cannot stop yourself from sifting forward. Little by little, the water engulfs your body. The coldness of the water feels strange against your warm skin. You get a tingling sensation that seems to spread fast from every cell to cell.  From time to time, small waves of underwater current give you small surprises as they hit you playfully without any warning. As the surface touches your shoulder, you look towards the deeper end of the pond, thinking of going further and then realizing you’re smarter than that. Instead you back down and rest your head slightly in the waters. Your ears throb as they fight against the pressure, but oh it’s so quiet now. You close your eyes now it’s just you and the water and nothing else. It still feels strange against your skin but you like the sensation, the tingling, the dangerous softness. Your heartbeat is rising up and then down as if trying to make up its mind how to act. You keep wanting to move further, but you know you shouldn’t. You could die. But then you ask yourself, “Would it be that bad? How could it when it feels so good!”

That’s exactly how I felt when I fell for you. Only the pond was my life, only the water were my feelings, only the waves were made of varied emotions, only the deep green that I saw underneath was a heart break.

Episode 06: My Aim in Life

This is a piece I prepared a presentation on for an event. 

P.S. Too much Hindi movie references. Please excuse me for that. 

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My Aim in Life.

I remember the times we had to write essays on this topic when we were in school. The topic never seemed to change with classes; just the word limit increased. My friends used to write all kinds of crap they never believed themselves- some wanted to be pilots, some engineers, some architects, and what not. Even I wrote my share of crap- to be a doctor.

But all that I wanted to do was to fall in love. And yes, that was indeed, truly, my one and only aim in life. 

How did I realize it? Well, it hit me when I was watching a Hindi movie- Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikandar. A movie more popular for its ever-lasting love song- Pehla Nasha Pehla Khumar. As the song played on our old TV, I got so deep into the video that I started picturizing myself in place of Aamir Khan. Overwhelmed by the feeling of being in love for the first time, throwing myself on green grass and rolling in happiness, dreaming about the girl all day, all night- yes, that was the foundation on which I built my view on love.

As days went and as Shahrukh Khan’s gooey romantic movies made their marks on lovers’ hearts, my view on love kept getting stronger. And more filmy. Why wouldn’t I be a creepy psycho stalker to be with the girl I’ve always wanted? Why wouldn’t I throw myself out of the train quite dangerously and help a girl to get on board? Why wouldn’t I play violin and dance with the ghost of Aishwariya under the rain?

Now here there are two things in common- one is Shahrukh Khan (Duh!) and the other is a girl. And it was always okay for me to see myself with a girl. In fact, I didn’t realise it might not be okay until I was in my O Levels. Either I was too dumb to understand that it might be a problem or I was too sure of my own sexuality to even consider this as an anomaly. I would like to believe the latter. Bears well on my self-confidence.

The real problem started to happen when I tried to go out there and offer my oh-much-love-filled heart to girls. To my surprise, there weren’t many girls who’d embrace that with open arms. In fact, there were none. It was like I’m riding a super-cool Ferrari on a road filled with beautiful female pedestrians and I was offering them a ride, but no one would take it because the car was of a different color. It made me frustrated. 

But then, Om Shanti Om was released and its very famous dialogue- roughly translated to “If you truly want something from the purest corner of your heart, the whole world will conspire to bring it to you”- gave me confidence. Yes, I will get the love I’ve always wanted. One day.

However, once I actually started dating, within two months all that I believed of love was almost gone, to my dismay. Where is the love that makes you want to dance with instant-ready background dancers behind? I realised relationships and love are totally different. And relationships with girls- I don’t know if I’m being sexist but those are harder than volcanic rocks. Or maybe it wasn’t them; may be it was me.

And then came the inevitable heartbreaks; the kind of pain that makes you want to run in Gulistan in front of the buses and then dive out of the damn flyover onto the horse shit below. And every time my heart got torn apart, and every time I had to glue it together, made me grow skeptical of love. What’s the point of falling in love if that’s how it’s going to end up every time?

There’s no point denying that I’m getting older. And with age, comes maturity. After a while, I realised that all these heartbreaks are the nature’s way of teaching me to get stronger. And to make me understand love is not Hindi movies; it’s not getting yourself killed over someone you love; it’s not mushy songs with transparent sarees in the rain. Love just is.

And it takes not the soft heart of a poet, but the heart of a lion to fall in love. To fall in love with someone of the same gender going against all odds, against the stupid social norms, against every possibility of a heartbreak, against everyone telling me I’m wrong.

But then again, is it any less exciting than any movie you have seen?

Episode 05: Judgments We Make

I wrote this monologue for a reading session. Later, I used another one of my blogs. Then I realized may be I shouldn't let it go wasted. Hence this blog post. 

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I’m a lesbian.

Yeah I know what you are thinking. Some of you are thinking “Okay, that’s cool!” while many of you are not thinking along those lines. But before I go further, let me tell you me being a lesbian is not cool. You don’t say someone is cool because of their sexuality. That’s just weird. 

Some of you are thinking “She must really hate guys!” No, I actually like men because they understand my problems better. They know how much courage it takes to walk up to girls we like and say “Hi!” They know how nervous we can be when we are waiting for a response to a text we have just send to our crushes. They know how awful it feels to get our hearts broken and crushed by girls. 

Some of you are thinking “She must have got her poor heart broken by a douchebag and now she’s a lesbian” No, I have not had a disastrous relationship with a guy. And yes, it’s true I have never had a serious relationship with a guy either. It’s also true I have never kissed a guy. But that’s not the reason I’m a lesbian. Understand the cause and effect here. I did not “become” a lesbian because I’m a failure with men. I’m a failure with men because I’m a lesbian. 

Speaking of douchebags, some people here are thinking “She will change her mind if she gets to meet a real man like me”. No, I would not turn straight if I get it on with a “real” man. I don’t want to get it on with any men- real or not. I’m very happy being with girls. No man can give me what a woman can. For example, boobs. Men cannot give me boobs- unless it’s manboobs- which I don’t find to be that pretty. 

Some of you girls are thinking “Oh my God I have to keep away from her evil eyes!” I don’t check out every girl I see. Yeah sometimes, when a pretty girl walks by I find it difficult to avert my eyes; that’s about it. I don’t hit on every girl there is; especially straight girls. I don’t make uncomfortable comments or touch any of my female friends in any weird way. I’m not an animal who cannot control their lust. 

Some of you are thinking “She must be manly- like rough and tough!” No, I’m not masculine. I can dress up tom-boyish but I can also dress up as girly as possible- and I don’t mind. I like putting on make-up; I even know the right color combinations for eye shadows. I’m quite comfortable being a girl. 

Some of you are thinking “She’s mentally sick. She needs to see a doctor.” My parents thought the same thing when I tried to come out to them as a teenager. I was dragged to three psychiatrists who had me on meds for a few months. And it did nothing to turn me straight. Because homosexuality is not a mental disorder. It has lost its “status” in 1960s; still, the psychiatrists here continue to treat it as one. Talk about being slow pokes! 

Some of you are thinking “She must have been sexually abused as a child and now she can trust no man. Tsk tsk.” No, I did not “become” a lesbian because of that. I have had a minor incident of molestation when I was young- but I was quite gay before that. You can tell you are gay even if you are a kid. 

Some of you are thinking “Oh! It’s a phase. She will get over it!” Trust me; it’s not just a phase. I mean I had my first crush on a girl when I was in Grade 2. One would think if it were a phase, I would have gotten over it by now. And besides, you don’t tell a straight girl that being straight is a phase. Then why me? 

Some of you are thinking “She must have it easy with girls since they are of the same-sex” No, you couldn’t be more wrong.  Being with girls is never easy, even if I’m a girl myself. Being in relationships is hard by itself, and it doesn’t change when it comes to same-sex ones. I have had problems too. “What did she mean when she said it?” “Does she want me to say this or should I just keep my mouth shut?” “Does she want me to act jealous or should I just play it cool?” Finding answers to questions like these is never easy. 

Some of you are thinking “I wonder who’s the guy in her relationships.” No, there’s no “guy” or “girl” in the relationship. If I had to be with a guy, I would just be with a guy. If my girlfriend had to be with guy, she wouldn’t be with me. Please keep your presumed gender roles away from lesbian relationships. It doesn’t work that way. 

Some of you horny people are thinking “I wonder if she would join me and my wife in a threesome”. Yeah, I do get that a lot- more than people may think. Not that I would particularly mind being in a threesome- with the right people of course- but just because I’m a lesbian, you can’t ask me to join you and your partner in bed. I’m not a sex addict, nor am I dying to take part in your sexual fantasies.

What you think about me does not define the person I’m. If you want to know how I’m as a person, I urge you to come up to me and ask me any weird queries you might have. Stop with stereotyping. Make this world a better and a less complicated place for all of us. Live and let live. Love and let love. Be gay and let be gay.

Adios.

Episode 04: An Ode to the Homophobes

• I’m free to reveal and live my intimate relationships openly- by referring to my partners by name, recounting experiences, going out in public together, displaying pictures on my desk at work or home- without being accused of “flaunting” my sexuality or risking discrimination or being asked any questions.
• I can marry as a way to commit to long-term relationships that are socially recognized, supported, and legitimated. This fact confers basic rights such as spousal health benefits, the ability to adopt children, inheritance, joint filing of income tax returns, and the power to make decisions for a spouse who is incapacitated n a medical emergency.
• I can rest assure that whether I’m hired, promoted, or fired from a job will have nothing to do with my sexual orientation, as aspect of myself that I cannot change.
• I can move about in public without fear of being harassed or physically or verbally attacked because of my sexual orientation.
• I don’t run the risk of being reduced to a single aspect of my life, as if being someone of my sexuality summed up the kind of person I am. Instead, I can be viewed and treated as a complex human being who happen to be of the sexual orientation I am.
• I can generally assume that national heroes, success models, and other figures held up for general admiration will be assumed to be of my sexual orientation.
• I can assume that my sexual orientation won’t be used to determine that I’ll fit in at work or whether teammates will feel comfortable working with me.
• I don’t have to worry that my sexual orientation will be used as a weapon against me, to undermine my achievements or power.
• I can turn on the television or go to the movies and be assured of seeing characters, news reports, and stories that reflect the reality of my life.
• I can live where I want without having to worry about neighbors who disapprove of my sexual orientation.
• I can live in comfort of knowing that other people’s assumptions about my sexual orientation are correct.

I found this rather intriguing set of “privileges” for straight people which does not apply to me at all. I have to think twice before holding my girlfriend’s hand in public; I cannot put up “In a relationship” status in Facebook and tag her there; I cannot introduce her to all my friends; and even if we fight, I cannot show up at her place with flowers to apologize. I may have to get married to a guy pretending to be straight; if I don’t, I will have to listen to taunts and sleazy remarks from my relatives. I risk being belittled, laughed at, and humiliated if people get to know about my sexual orientation. When I tell someone I’m a lesbian, I have to tell them again and again that it does not change anything about me; that I’m still the same person. Once I start working, I have to make sure my co-workers do not know the truth about my sexual orientation, because I might lose my job if they do.

And all these because of what? - Because I like girls.

It’s somewhat funny, really. One would not think just one specific preference can fuck up someone’s life.

Now let’s see what are the objections that other people have to make about me living my life-

1. It’s against religion

I will refer this part following two hypotheses-

Hypothesis 1- Homosexuality is against religion.

When someone brings in the topic of homosexuality, this is the most widespread argument- homosexuality is against all religion. Due to this, it should not be tolerated; all homosexual people should suppress their attraction towards the same sex and live a life of lie. Lying itself is against all religion. Do you know what else is prohibited in our religion, Islam? Playing musical instruments. Singing. Smoking. Watching porn. Taking photographs and sharing them on Facebook. But people do it anyways.

Consider a scene like this- You are going through the folders of one of your friend’s computer and suddenly you come across his porn stack. You are shocked! You are surprised that you did not realize it before that he might be into pornography. You start realizing he’s not that good a person you thought; that he was not the person you used to know. When he comes back, you charge him for hiding this fact from you for so many years, and then you try to be self-righteous by saying “it’s not permissible in our religion”.

I’m very sure you probably would never think it that way.

Then why homosexuality? How are homosexual people harming you or the society? If you can get along with people you know who are regular smokers, why can’t you go along with people who are gay? What are you afraid of? That they are going to hit on you? What if they are hitting on you? You might feel awkward, that’s all. What else can we do? Let our lust loose when we find you alone? I don’t know how this came about- but not all homosexual people are rapists or pedophiles, just as how not all heterosexual people are rapists or pedophiles. Also do you really want to be that person who forces own religious beliefs on others who think otherwise?

If you can tolerate with people committing other “sins”, why can’t you stand homosexual people?

Hypothesis 2- Homosexuality is not against religion.

The term “homosexuality” has not been mentioned anywhere in Qur’an. It does not refer to gays, lesbians, or bisexuals. In fact, scholars had to come up with a term for homosexuality in Arabic. They came up with al-shudhudh al-jinsi, a phrase that means “sexually rare or unusual.” If the Qur’an mentioned homosexuality by name, scholars would have simply used that term. And just because the Holy Book only talks about heterosexual marriages, that does not necessarily mean everyone should be heterosexual. Because there are references made for people who are intersex- those with signs of being both male and female. This is not a common condition, but it does exist. The Qur’an does not say this condition is “wrong.” The Qur’an offers some guidance for how to treat intersex people in society, but there are many things it does not mention—including their sexuality. The Qur’an also refers to “men who have no need of women”—people we might call “gay” or “asexual” today. Yet the Qur’an does not condemn them.

The story of Prphet Lut (PBUH) is always brought up when referring to homosexuality. Before I get into more details, there are several things to understand about how the Qu’ran can be read-

• People can read literally: reading word for word, using exact definitions.
• People can read semantically: thinking about a word’s meaning in the sentence and in other places in the Qur’an.
• People also can read thematically: finding the meaning of a whole passage by looking at how it relates to themes in the Qur’an.

If we read the Qu’ran literally, there is no argument because it does not mention homosexuality. However, according to many people, semantic and thematic readings of the story of the city of Sodom indicate homosexuality has been banned in Islam. Now let’s go over the story once again.

In the story, the Prophet Lut (PBUH) first advised the people of the city of Sodom to follow God’s path, but they ignored him. Later, the men of Sodom threatened to rape Lut’s male visitors, who were angels disguised as men. God then punished the entire city of Sodom for rejecting their Prophet (Lut) and for “transgressions.”

Majority of scholars interpret the “transgressions” in the story of Lut to refer to male homosexuality. Yet the word “transgressions” in the Qur’an can mean something sexual or something non-sexual. Men were not the only ones punished in the destruction of Sodom. According to the Qur’an, the whole city was destroyed. Lut’s wife is specifically mentioned. Were Lut’s wife, other women and the children of Sodom punished for male homosexuality? That does not seem to be a reasonable conclusion.

A thematic reading of the story of Lut can be found in the Qisas al-Anbiya (classical stories of the Prophets). A story written by the scholar Muhammad ibn Abdallah Al-Kisa’i puts the strange behavior of the men of the city of Sodom in a context that makes sense. Al-Kisa’i suggests that the people of Sodom had taken to showing their city’s dominance by raping strangers. They were showing that they could take what they wanted from others. In that way, people became afraid to raid the city. This showed aggressiveness, stinginess and greed—all things that would justify their punishment. A thematic reading also tells us that the story’s main purpose was to show that people had rejected their prophets in the past, as some rejected Muhammad during his lifetime, and how those who rejected prophets were punished. This is clear from the context of the story of Lut, which is placed among other stories with the same theme.

Now the question is, was the behavior of the men of Sodom an expression of sexual desire? No. The Qu’ran says that the men of Sodom wanted to have sex with the visiting angels by force. This is an example of rape, not an example of sexual desire. Rape is about power. It is used to coerce, control or punish the victim.

I know you won’t believe me. But there are other reasons to think this is the correct way to understand the story of Lut.

In two hadith—or stories of the Prophet Muhammad(PBUH)—there is support for this understanding of the story of Lut. In one, the Prophet Muhammad asked the archangel Jibra’il (Gabriel) why and how the people of Lut were destroyed. Jibra’il responded that they did not clean themselves after using the bathroom or having sex, they did not share their food, and they were covetous (wanting things that belonged to others) and stingy. In another hadith, someone asked the Prophet Muhammad about the penalty for stinginess and the Prophet told the story of the people of Lut.

Based on this reading, the story of Lut can instruct Muslims to:

• Follow the example set by the Prophet Lut (PBUH) of hospitality, generosity and protection of people who are vulnerable, such as travelers.
• Avoid stinginess and greed.
• Condemn rape—and speak out against any use of sexual acts to coerce or control
• Uphold and respect relationships based on consent, fairness, mutual support and love for one another.

The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) never described homosexuality as a crime and he never punished anyone for being gay, lesbian or bisexual. A detailed study of early Islamic literature also showed that the Prophet accepted men called mukhanath. Mukhanath were men who were seen as “acting like women”—they might be considered transgender today or they might have been gay men whose sexual orientation was seen as making them “like women.”

The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) seemed to recognize these men were different from others. His wife, Umm Salama, had a mukhanath friend named Hit. Unlike other men, Hit was allowed to enter both men’s space and women’s space—Muhammad even trusted the mukhanath enough to let him enter the private women’s space of the Prophet’s household. However, Muhammad did “punish” him in a way, but not for his sexuality. Muhammad found out that Hit described a woman’s body to a man—which he could do because he was able to enter both women’s and men’s spaces. At that point, Muhammad told his wife not to allow Hit into the women’s quarters anymore. However, Muhammad did not criticize Hit for his sexuality or for “acting like women”—he only criticized Hit for not respecting the privacy of women.

So there you go. I have given sufficient reasons to believe homosexuality, if not allowed, has neither been prohibited in Islam. You cannot tell me just because I’m into girls, I’m going against the religion. You cannot tell me just because I’m a lesbian, God won’t accept me. Who are YOU to speak on behalf of the Almighty?

Thanks to this organization and its website- Muslims for Progressive Values at http://mpvusa.org/portfolio/sexuality-diversity/ for giving me enough info on the topic.

2. Homosexuality is unnatural

Homosexuality exists in over 1500 species of animals. It occurs in numerous species from worms to primates, including Bonobos (previously called pygmy chimpanzees) which are one of human’s closest cousins, and which sharing nearly 99 percent of our DNA. So yeah, homosexuality is a natural phenomenon.

Many people put forward the question, “If homosexual is natural, will we even exist?” -_-

Homosexual is just as natural as heterosexual is. It’s not like if we agree that homosexuality is natural and gay rights were finally considered that same as human rights (because we are indeed human) and is agreed upon, all people will turn gay. And that eventually the population is going to be a halt because no one will be able to make babies. And the world will end with the last breath of the last homosexual. Seriously, that’s your confidence about your own sexuality? People will continue to breed because just as some people who will always be homosexual, there will be some people who will always be straight.

In addition, look at how science has developed over the recent decade- who’s to say there will not be a way for same-sex parents to have children of their own? I want my baby to have my curls, and I want to have that baby with the one I love. Please make it happen, science!

3. Homosexuality is a mental sickness

According to American Psychiatric Association, a mental disorder is a health condition characterized by significant dysfunction in an individual’s cognitions, emotions, or behaviors that reflects a disturbance in the psychological, biological, or developmental processes underlying mental functioning. I don’t have any psychological problems, and I’m not saying that just because that’s how I feel. When I was dragged to the psychiatrists when I tried to come out, they gave me a series of psychological tests, the results of which surprised them because I apparently had no cognition or behavioral problems. I also had to undergo hormonal tests which came out fine. And since academic performance and socializing abilities are two of the indicators of proper mental functioning, I’m in a very good shape. By logic, I don’t see why homosexuality would be considered as a mental disorder in the first place.

Most importantly, if it was indeed a mental disorder, one would think I would be “cured” after seeing three of the top psychiatrists in Bangladesh. But here I am, gay as ever. So I really can’t find any reason to believe homosexuality is a mental sickness.

And it's not just me. There's a general consensus among doctors from all over the world (except apparently Bangladesh) about different orientations representing normal forms of human experience. Homosexual relationships, just like relationships between men & women, have been termed as natural & healthy forms of human bonding. If you don't believe me, just go to http://www.apa.org/topics/lgbt/orientation.pdf

Homophobia is a mental disorder, by the way. The inclusion of the term “phobia” in the word is a giveaway, isn’t it?

4. Homosexuality is not an acceptable lifestyle

First, let’s take a look at the definition of lifestyle. Lifestyle is a way of life or style of living that reflects the attitudes and values of a person or group. Being gay can have an impact on some certain, but limited, attitudes I may have towards concepts like homosexuality itself, marriage, liberalism, etc. This does not necessarily define my lifestyle. My lifestyle can be compared to any other heterosexual person’s lifestyle. We don’t necessarily live differently.

If indeed being gay is a lifestyle, it’s my life to lead, not anyone else’s. As long as I’m not harming anyone, why would anyone have a say on how I should live my life? I’m not indulging myself in teasing female passer-bys. I’m not roaming among the crowds and “accidentally” groping girls. Why will my lifestyle be unacceptable just because the society expects only guys can do these things?

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Lee Maracle in her book “I Am Woman: A Native Perspective on Sociology and Feminism” said, “To be raped is to be sexually violated. For society to force someone, through shame and ostracism, to comply with love and sex that it defines, is nothing but organized rape. That is what homophobia is all about. Organized rape.” I have not come across a truer explanation of homophobia. Stop being a homophobic asshole. It’s about time.

And this brings me to the end of this rather long blog. I would like to end with a quote-

“The concept that really gets the goat of the gay-hater, the idea that really spins their melon and sickens their stomachs is that most terrible and terrifying of all human notions, love.

That one can love another of the same gender, that is what the homophobe really cannot stand. Love in all eight tones and all five semitones of the world's full octave.

Love as Agape, Eros and Philos; love as infatuation, obsession and lust; love as torture, euphoria, ecstasy and oblivion (this is beginning to read like a Calvin Klein perfume catalogue); love as need, passion and desire.”

― Stephen Fry, Moab Is My Washpot

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The writer is someone who's writing about herself in third person right now! If you love this post, leave a comment or a personal feedback to missstraightanot@gmail.com. If you hate this post, please feel free to share as well. Haters give rise to the lovers in the world.