Episode 10: Truth or Dare

“So, how many boyfriends did you have before?” 

I stared at my friend for a moment; then regretted playing truth or dare. I didn’t know why we had to play this game every time we have a party. I decided to be honest. 

“I have had three relationships before.”

Is that truth? Yes. Is that the right answer to the question? No. Does it matter? Well, at least I was not lying.

From childhood we are taught not to lie. As we grow up, we try to maintain it; however things do slip out of hands some time. Like the first time you fail in maths and you say to your mom that you passed safely and soundly. Or when the teacher asks you who threw the paper ball, you save your friend’s ass by telling him that you don’t know. Or when you try to live up to the teenage expectations by telling your friends that you have a crush on this guy when you have nothing. 

I have always been a good liar. I can easily put in smallest details to make my made-up stories sound real enough. Back in school when every female friend I knew was hooking up or at least trying to get hooked up with a guy, I was spending more time by myself trying to form imaginary male characters for whom I have feelings for.  I knew that was not me, but I did not want to come off as a failure in front of my friends. Eventually when the mobile phone craze hit, I was talking to random guys at late nights which I hated because I really wanted to sleep! I was chatting online with random guys because I wanted gossip to tell to my buddies. I was meeting up random guys because well, more gossip. Before I knew it, I was lying to conform to the norms.

After a while, I got tired. I was spending way more time in these shitty stuffs whereas I could have given more time to doing more productive things like watching TV or writing sarcastic poems. When I realized whatever I was doing was in vain and quite stupid, I decided to do even a stupider thing- I came out to my friends and family. Mixed reactions I would say- one of my friends broke all ties with me, one of them gave her full support, and my family did what any other family would do- take me straight to a psychiatrist to get me straight. Anyways, then I learned another thing- you should lie and keep lying unless the timing and audience is right. 

Now I don’t lie any more. I find ways out on technicalities, for instance, that very truth or dare game I started writing this piece with. When people ask me when I had a boyfriend; I say I was 19 when I started dating. When they ask me what kind of men I would want to marry, I say I don’t want to get married. When they ask me if I was bi-curious, I say I would really like to be with girls (while rolling on floor laughing inside my head). I want to make sure at the end of the day, when people I know get to know about my sexuality, they can never accuse me of lying. Is it really my fault that they auto-assume that everyone is straight? 

Last night my mom came to my room with her serious mode on and asked me what my plans were with wedding and marriage and if there was someone. I stared at her for a moment, strategized my words out like those truth or dare games, and said that there was someone but I was still not sure I want to get married to the person. She then pushed me about details and I said the truth- that the person is working, gets way more salary than I do, and lives in Dhaka. She pushed me harder for more details and I said I would only reveal if I get sure I was marrying that person. Eventually she got tired and left. 

People say I have an emotional range of a teaspoon (yes, quoting Harry Potter) and I don’t deny. Even with that, after my mom left the room, I realized my heart was cringing inside, disgusted with myself. No, I did not lie. But how long can I get away on these technicalities? And do I even want to stay dishonest this way forever? 

What wouldn’t I give for the chance of bringing the girl I’m in love with and introducing her to my parents? How great will it be for my family to accept her as one of their own with a smile on their faces? Was I asking for a lot? 

Truth or dare. May be someday I shall dare to tell the truth and nothing but the truth to the world.

Episode 09: Fairy Tales and How to Deal with Them

I was never a big fan of fairy tales.

I never could relate to it. Neither was I beautiful enough to be a princess, nor did I feel sophisticated enough to be Prince Charming. I liked swords though; and the idea of going on a quest for a girl seemed appealing to me. But that was it. Fairy tales whisper promises of happily ever-afters into our ears which we listen to so hopefully. But it’s a “fairy” tale for a reason; magic does not exist in here, in the real world. Here, true love is not easy to come across, and a true love's kiss does not break the curse.

However, only recently I have realised fairy tales are not that different from the real world if you see it in the right context. Just like the Prince Charming, we all are looking for that one true love; only we are more clueless. Understandable, given that not all of us belong to royalty, or have a sword, or have a horse with in-built Google Maps. And just like Snow White taking a bite of the poisonous apple, we also make mistakes and take wrong decisions that subject us to deadly curses. It can be the curse of regret, the curse of unhappiness, the curse of losing the love of others. And sometimes it does take one true love’s kiss to save us from that curse and to make us believe we can live again. Fairy tales are nothing but reflections of our life on a magic mirror.

True love is a tricky concept. We do we mean by that? Is the “true” before love a bit redundant since love, by definition, cannot be false? As I began to think how fairy tales came about to be, I gained another perspective of looking at the concept of love. In fairy tales, the true love’s kiss can break all curses because it is the purest form of magic. Our very first exposure to love happens when we are held for the first time in the delicate arms of our mothers. But our families and relatives are different- we are biologically bound to love and protect each other. But what happens with our friends? There’s nothing to bind us together and yet we love them all. And what happens when we meet that one person we want to give up everything for? Have you ever taken a moment to stop and think how weird it is that you can die for someone with a smile on your face and yet there’s no foreseeable force that connects you to them?

That is magic. The thing you term as “chemistry” between you and the person of your interest is nothing but magic. How your fingers fit perfectly together is magic. How you think about them a moment before they call you up is magic. How your eyes can read theirs is magic.

And it is through magic you get to meet your true love. It is through magic you can break the curse and live happily ever after. Fairy tales are not any different than stories of our lives. However, while our lives are full of questionable futures, fairy tales tell us never to lose hope.

It’s about time we read them with a different set of glasses.

Episode 08: The Diary Unwritten

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Episode 07: Crushing

Have you ever been in the waters? 

The first time I got into water was in a beautiful pond in the backyard of my uncle’s place. There was an old stairway that led into the deeper parts under the green-tinted water. The ritual was almost the same every time. First you start by dipping your toes slightly, as if to test the temperature. Then you slide in your ankles as you move forward. A few seconds later, you are knee-deep, and eventually the water levels to your waist. You start feeling the smooth surface with your fingers and your palm, slowly shifting it as if to see what’s below, but in vain. You can only see deep green underneath that ends nowhere. You know it might get dangerous, but you cannot stop yourself from sifting forward. Little by little, the water engulfs your body. The coldness of the water feels strange against your warm skin. You get a tingling sensation that seems to spread fast from every cell to cell.  From time to time, small waves of underwater current give you small surprises as they hit you playfully without any warning. As the surface touches your shoulder, you look towards the deeper end of the pond, thinking of going further and then realizing you’re smarter than that. Instead you back down and rest your head slightly in the waters. Your ears throb as they fight against the pressure, but oh it’s so quiet now. You close your eyes now it’s just you and the water and nothing else. It still feels strange against your skin but you like the sensation, the tingling, the dangerous softness. Your heartbeat is rising up and then down as if trying to make up its mind how to act. You keep wanting to move further, but you know you shouldn’t. You could die. But then you ask yourself, “Would it be that bad? How could it when it feels so good!”

That’s exactly how I felt when I fell for you. Only the pond was my life, only the water were my feelings, only the waves were made of varied emotions, only the deep green that I saw underneath was a heart break.

Episode 06: My Aim in Life

This is a piece I prepared a presentation on for an event. 

P.S. Too much Hindi movie references. Please excuse me for that. 

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My Aim in Life.

I remember the times we had to write essays on this topic when we were in school. The topic never seemed to change with classes; just the word limit increased. My friends used to write all kinds of crap they never believed themselves- some wanted to be pilots, some engineers, some architects, and what not. Even I wrote my share of crap- to be a doctor.

But all that I wanted to do was to fall in love. And yes, that was indeed, truly, my one and only aim in life. 

How did I realize it? Well, it hit me when I was watching a Hindi movie- Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikandar. A movie more popular for its ever-lasting love song- Pehla Nasha Pehla Khumar. As the song played on our old TV, I got so deep into the video that I started picturizing myself in place of Aamir Khan. Overwhelmed by the feeling of being in love for the first time, throwing myself on green grass and rolling in happiness, dreaming about the girl all day, all night- yes, that was the foundation on which I built my view on love.

As days went and as Shahrukh Khan’s gooey romantic movies made their marks on lovers’ hearts, my view on love kept getting stronger. And more filmy. Why wouldn’t I be a creepy psycho stalker to be with the girl I’ve always wanted? Why wouldn’t I throw myself out of the train quite dangerously and help a girl to get on board? Why wouldn’t I play violin and dance with the ghost of Aishwariya under the rain?

Now here there are two things in common- one is Shahrukh Khan (Duh!) and the other is a girl. And it was always okay for me to see myself with a girl. In fact, I didn’t realise it might not be okay until I was in my O Levels. Either I was too dumb to understand that it might be a problem or I was too sure of my own sexuality to even consider this as an anomaly. I would like to believe the latter. Bears well on my self-confidence.

The real problem started to happen when I tried to go out there and offer my oh-much-love-filled heart to girls. To my surprise, there weren’t many girls who’d embrace that with open arms. In fact, there were none. It was like I’m riding a super-cool Ferrari on a road filled with beautiful female pedestrians and I was offering them a ride, but no one would take it because the car was of a different color. It made me frustrated. 

But then, Om Shanti Om was released and its very famous dialogue- roughly translated to “If you truly want something from the purest corner of your heart, the whole world will conspire to bring it to you”- gave me confidence. Yes, I will get the love I’ve always wanted. One day.

However, once I actually started dating, within two months all that I believed of love was almost gone, to my dismay. Where is the love that makes you want to dance with instant-ready background dancers behind? I realised relationships and love are totally different. And relationships with girls- I don’t know if I’m being sexist but those are harder than volcanic rocks. Or maybe it wasn’t them; may be it was me.

And then came the inevitable heartbreaks; the kind of pain that makes you want to run in Gulistan in front of the buses and then dive out of the damn flyover onto the horse shit below. And every time my heart got torn apart, and every time I had to glue it together, made me grow skeptical of love. What’s the point of falling in love if that’s how it’s going to end up every time?

There’s no point denying that I’m getting older. And with age, comes maturity. After a while, I realised that all these heartbreaks are the nature’s way of teaching me to get stronger. And to make me understand love is not Hindi movies; it’s not getting yourself killed over someone you love; it’s not mushy songs with transparent sarees in the rain. Love just is.

And it takes not the soft heart of a poet, but the heart of a lion to fall in love. To fall in love with someone of the same gender going against all odds, against the stupid social norms, against every possibility of a heartbreak, against everyone telling me I’m wrong.

But then again, is it any less exciting than any movie you have seen?