The Three-Year Itch

How does a relationship sustain?

The first moments of a relationship can only be described as intense. As days go by, you start breaking your firsts - the first date, the first kiss, the first birthday, and the first anniversary. Then the first argument hits and it hurts like the time you hurt your little toe on the side of the bed. And then you also make up for the first time. As more and more firsts begin to happen and to be done, the intensity starts to lose its strength. After two years or so, your mind begins to go to darker places. Were you two really meant to be together?

I have been through that cycle more than once. The last time I found myself in that predicament, I turned to Google like I do with all other problems in my life. From 40 different recipes for omelettes to how to reset the blinds in the windows of the hotel room you are staying in, I have never once been turned down by the fairy godmother we now call Google Search. Anyways, as I literally wrote down “bad time cycle relationship what do please help,” I was introduced to the concept of “three-year itch”. The Daily Guru describes it as “a phenomenon where tensions rise and couples are forced to either part ways, or adapt. Make it or break it.”

Make it or break it. The words remained with me like a haunting shadow as my partner and I began to sink further down the tunnel of our differences. I wanted to swim up and I could also see her trying as well, but something just was not working. At one point, I felt my soul clutching on the remains of the relationship and I could feel we were about to break it. I think it was at that very moment when my partner did something to pause the descent. She talked to me about how the relationship was hurting. I was so much engrossed with the looming fear of break-up and so much into my head in being the person to solve everything, I forgot the simplest solutions that were in front of me. It is an irony that I built a career in communication, yet communicating about my feelings was always the last thing on my list.

At that three-year crossroads, my partner and I talked like never before. We became more true to each other and started to bare our hearts. The more I opened up, I could feel her seeping into my veins and my arteries and my guts. It was not as intense as the first days. But it was the depth that shook me. I began to feel her breath on my skin, her laughter in my jaws, and her warmth on my bedsheets.

The first time we met each other after taking care of that three-year itch, we made love with the passion of lovers who had longed for each other for over a hundred years. We had been intimate before, but nothing compared to that raging fire burning every nook and cranny of our bodies. As we lay in sweat and peace, I watched her beautiful face and I honestly wanted our lives to end then and there. Well, now that I look back, I am lucky that our story did not stop there.

As we continued to move forward, my partner introduced me to her family who accepts her as she is. I was not sure what to expect before I went to their home. I definitely was not expecting the warmth with which they took me in. Eventually, the home became mine. Somewhere I do not need to pretend to be someone else. Somewhere I was loved completely. Every time I start telling her how I feel about her family, I end up choking because of course communicating personal feelings is not my strongest suit.

My partner and I are completely different as people. She is headstrong and I am flexible. She hates maths and I am exceptionally good at it. She is a family person and I stay cooped up in my room. And she and I always look at the same thing from two different angles, which usually shoots the first bullets in new wars of words. I do not want to follow the cliche and say that our differences do not define our relationship. They actually do. Our differences have essentially transformed us into two ends of the magnet. Without one, the other loses its meaning.

I am just so much in love with her. The Daily Guru can go and f*ck themselves and their three-year itch. I am in this for the long haul.

12 Misconceptions About Homosexuality in Bangladesh

Being a lesbian in Bangladesh is not as fun as one might assume. First, you are discriminated because you are a girl, then you face a loss of privilege because you like girls. Anyway, we will get into this some other time. It's a long discussion. 

Being someone who's somewhat out of the closet, the level of weird ideas people have about homosexuality here really freaks me out at times. We think we know everything, but sadly we don't, and this Pride Month, I took it as my duty to let the world know the truth (that has already been out there for a long time, but whatever).

How many of you have thought at least one of the following-

1. Gay people do not exist in Bangladesh

It’s easier to deny the existence of something that you cannot accept. Like ghosts or demons or unicorns. But we do exist and fabulously so! You know nothing, straight people.

2. Homosexuality is a Western concept. 

Know your history before saying this thing out loud. The first Mogul emperor Babur had forever been deemed to be a closeted homosexual based on his poetic verses regarding a guy. And in the 16th century, a great love story was written about Shah Hossain, a Sufi poet, and Madho Lal, a Brahmin. Were they influenced by the "Western concept" as well?

3. It's all about the sex

Please! We have feelings too. We fall in love like anyone else. We get our hearts broken just like anyone else. We find ourselves in the middle of confusing love triangles like everyone else.

4. Homosexuality is a mental illness

It’s scary how so many people still hold this thought. Me being a girl who likes girls, I have no problem in dealing with my everyday life. Thus I deny I have an illness. First-hand evidence. Plus backed up by psychiatric theory.

5. And marriage is the cure

Here’s an awesome idea! Since she is not attracted to guys, let’s get her married to one.

People, where’s your logic?

6. Having sex with the opposite sex makes you straight

So in order to be straight, I have to force myself to have sex with someone I’m not at all attracted to. And voila! I’m not gay anymore!

7. Homosexuality is a choice

If I were given a choice about my sexuality, how can one honestly think I would choose to be a lesbian instead of being straight? Am I so dumb I would choose something that will make my life miserable, make me feel like an outcast, & can potentially make my family throw me out? 

8. All gay guys are effeminate

I have seen gay dudes who are more macho and “manly” than many straight guys. And there’s nothing effeminate about being well-groomed.

9. All lesbians are tomboys

I have seen many feminine lesbian and bisexual girls who have more knowledge on makeup and fashion than many of my straight counterparts.

10. Gay guys hit on all men & lesbian girls hit on all women

Since you are straight, do you hit on every person of the opposite sex? I’m sure the answer is no. It’s the same here. We are human beings too. And seriously, who has the time for that?

11. All people who support LGB rights are gay themselves

It’s like saying people for environmental rights are actually trees in disguise. You really don't need to be gay to support their rights! 

12. You do not know any gay person

It’s a given demographic fact that 10% of any population is homosexual. That means, for every 10 people you know, it’s likely at least 1 is not straight and may be closeted if not out. Be empathetic and avoid the gay jokes. You wouldn’t want anyone you love to suffer in silence now, do you? 

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The writer is someone who's writing about herself in third person right now! If you love this post, leave a comment or a personal feedback to missstraightanot@gmail.com. If you hate this post, please feel free to share as well. Haters give rise to the lovers in the world.

Episode 10: Truth or Dare

“So, how many boyfriends did you have before?” 

I stared at my friend for a moment; then regretted playing truth or dare. I didn’t know why we had to play this game every time we have a party. I decided to be honest. 

“I have had three relationships before.”

Is that truth? Yes. Is that the right answer to the question? No. Does it matter? Well, at least I was not lying.

From childhood we are taught not to lie. As we grow up, we try to maintain it; however things do slip out of hands some time. Like the first time you fail in maths and you say to your mom that you passed safely and soundly. Or when the teacher asks you who threw the paper ball, you save your friend’s ass by telling him that you don’t know. Or when you try to live up to the teenage expectations by telling your friends that you have a crush on this guy when you have nothing. 

I have always been a good liar. I can easily put in smallest details to make my made-up stories sound real enough. Back in school when every female friend I knew was hooking up or at least trying to get hooked up with a guy, I was spending more time by myself trying to form imaginary male characters for whom I have feelings for.  I knew that was not me, but I did not want to come off as a failure in front of my friends. Eventually when the mobile phone craze hit, I was talking to random guys at late nights which I hated because I really wanted to sleep! I was chatting online with random guys because I wanted gossip to tell to my buddies. I was meeting up random guys because well, more gossip. Before I knew it, I was lying to conform to the norms.

After a while, I got tired. I was spending way more time in these shitty stuffs whereas I could have given more time to doing more productive things like watching TV or writing sarcastic poems. When I realized whatever I was doing was in vain and quite stupid, I decided to do even a stupider thing- I came out to my friends and family. Mixed reactions I would say- one of my friends broke all ties with me, one of them gave her full support, and my family did what any other family would do- take me straight to a psychiatrist to get me straight. Anyways, then I learned another thing- you should lie and keep lying unless the timing and audience is right. 

Now I don’t lie any more. I find ways out on technicalities, for instance, that very truth or dare game I started writing this piece with. When people ask me when I had a boyfriend; I say I was 19 when I started dating. When they ask me what kind of men I would want to marry, I say I don’t want to get married. When they ask me if I was bi-curious, I say I would really like to be with girls (while rolling on floor laughing inside my head). I want to make sure at the end of the day, when people I know get to know about my sexuality, they can never accuse me of lying. Is it really my fault that they auto-assume that everyone is straight? 

Last night my mom came to my room with her serious mode on and asked me what my plans were with wedding and marriage and if there was someone. I stared at her for a moment, strategized my words out like those truth or dare games, and said that there was someone but I was still not sure I want to get married to the person. She then pushed me about details and I said the truth- that the person is working, gets way more salary than I do, and lives in Dhaka. She pushed me harder for more details and I said I would only reveal if I get sure I was marrying that person. Eventually she got tired and left. 

People say I have an emotional range of a teaspoon (yes, quoting Harry Potter) and I don’t deny. Even with that, after my mom left the room, I realized my heart was cringing inside, disgusted with myself. No, I did not lie. But how long can I get away on these technicalities? And do I even want to stay dishonest this way forever? 

What wouldn’t I give for the chance of bringing the girl I’m in love with and introducing her to my parents? How great will it be for my family to accept her as one of their own with a smile on their faces? Was I asking for a lot? 

Truth or dare. May be someday I shall dare to tell the truth and nothing but the truth to the world.

Episode 09: Fairy Tales and How to Deal with Them

I was never a big fan of fairy tales.

I never could relate to it. Neither was I beautiful enough to be a princess, nor did I feel sophisticated enough to be Prince Charming. I liked swords though; and the idea of going on a quest for a girl seemed appealing to me. But that was it. Fairy tales whisper promises of happily ever-afters into our ears which we listen to so hopefully. But it’s a “fairy” tale for a reason; magic does not exist in here, in the real world. Here, true love is not easy to come across, and a true love's kiss does not break the curse.

However, only recently I have realised fairy tales are not that different from the real world if you see it in the right context. Just like the Prince Charming, we all are looking for that one true love; only we are more clueless. Understandable, given that not all of us belong to royalty, or have a sword, or have a horse with in-built Google Maps. And just like Snow White taking a bite of the poisonous apple, we also make mistakes and take wrong decisions that subject us to deadly curses. It can be the curse of regret, the curse of unhappiness, the curse of losing the love of others. And sometimes it does take one true love’s kiss to save us from that curse and to make us believe we can live again. Fairy tales are nothing but reflections of our life on a magic mirror.

True love is a tricky concept. We do we mean by that? Is the “true” before love a bit redundant since love, by definition, cannot be false? As I began to think how fairy tales came about to be, I gained another perspective of looking at the concept of love. In fairy tales, the true love’s kiss can break all curses because it is the purest form of magic. Our very first exposure to love happens when we are held for the first time in the delicate arms of our mothers. But our families and relatives are different- we are biologically bound to love and protect each other. But what happens with our friends? There’s nothing to bind us together and yet we love them all. And what happens when we meet that one person we want to give up everything for? Have you ever taken a moment to stop and think how weird it is that you can die for someone with a smile on your face and yet there’s no foreseeable force that connects you to them?

That is magic. The thing you term as “chemistry” between you and the person of your interest is nothing but magic. How your fingers fit perfectly together is magic. How you think about them a moment before they call you up is magic. How your eyes can read theirs is magic.

And it is through magic you get to meet your true love. It is through magic you can break the curse and live happily ever after. Fairy tales are not any different than stories of our lives. However, while our lives are full of questionable futures, fairy tales tell us never to lose hope.

It’s about time we read them with a different set of glasses.

Episode 08: The Diary Unwritten

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Episode 07: Crushing

Have you ever been in the waters? 

The first time I got into water was in a beautiful pond in the backyard of my uncle’s place. There was an old stairway that led into the deeper parts under the green-tinted water. The ritual was almost the same every time. First you start by dipping your toes slightly, as if to test the temperature. Then you slide in your ankles as you move forward. A few seconds later, you are knee-deep, and eventually the water levels to your waist. You start feeling the smooth surface with your fingers and your palm, slowly shifting it as if to see what’s below, but in vain. You can only see deep green underneath that ends nowhere. You know it might get dangerous, but you cannot stop yourself from sifting forward. Little by little, the water engulfs your body. The coldness of the water feels strange against your warm skin. You get a tingling sensation that seems to spread fast from every cell to cell.  From time to time, small waves of underwater current give you small surprises as they hit you playfully without any warning. As the surface touches your shoulder, you look towards the deeper end of the pond, thinking of going further and then realizing you’re smarter than that. Instead you back down and rest your head slightly in the waters. Your ears throb as they fight against the pressure, but oh it’s so quiet now. You close your eyes now it’s just you and the water and nothing else. It still feels strange against your skin but you like the sensation, the tingling, the dangerous softness. Your heartbeat is rising up and then down as if trying to make up its mind how to act. You keep wanting to move further, but you know you shouldn’t. You could die. But then you ask yourself, “Would it be that bad? How could it when it feels so good!”

That’s exactly how I felt when I fell for you. Only the pond was my life, only the water were my feelings, only the waves were made of varied emotions, only the deep green that I saw underneath was a heart break.